God can use anyone!!

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I can hear the blood pounding in my ears as my heart beat rises and adrenaline begins to flow. Looking around the dark and dusty cell, I take in the others around me. At the back of the cell, sits my mother, with her back against the wall and my two young twin brothers, one on each side of her. I watch her as she whispers in their ear. I know she is praying with them. The others around us, all cling to one another. The lump in my throat grows larger and larger as I watch mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters, totally shaken, and petrified, tears filling their eyes. These were my church members, my family, the body of Jesus Christ, so Paul had told us, so why were we here…why were we about to become a spectacle of entertainment. Turning, I face the light, and begin pushing my way past the people to the door of the cell. Before I can even make my way all the way to the front, I already begin to hear the roar of the people outside the cell, it’s almost deafening. The sun shines brightly, all of my other church members have pushed themselves as far back into the cell as possible, to avoid the doom as long as possible, but here at the gate, with his hands wrapped tightly around the bars, ready to face his foe, this fate, is my father, the shepherd of this flock. Swallowing past the huge lump in my throat, I walk right up to him, “I won’t cry…I’m strong enough…just like him.” I place my hand on his shoulder, remembering back to a time when I barely reached his knee. Now I stand at least a foot above him.

He turns, his brown eyes set, with that stubborn sheen and determination. “Marcus, my son, I love you!” With these words he embraced me.

“Father, why…why does Nero do this? Why does God allow him to do this to us?” My father’s face got a look of shock that quickly turned to stubborn determination. His answer was not at all what I expected, but it was just the thing I and all the people with us needed to hear.

“We should count ourselves worthy to suffer for the cause of our merciful God and Savior Jesus Christ. We face this foe today for but a moment, then we shall all be in the presence of our God and Savior! I pray that you along with the rest of our people count this a privilege and blessing from God Himself.” He said these words loud enough for all to hear and by his words they were encouraged and all the men rose to stand at the front with my father and I. “May we men die first, leaving the women and children a bit more time.” I was shocked at my own words. Father’s eyes beamed with pride as he put his hand on my shoulder, “For Jesus Marcus, for Jesus.”

Suddenly the crowd went even wilder, and the doors of the cell were opened, but we were ready, the soldiers did not even have to pull us out, we all ran out with one accord, ready to face the lions of the coliseum.

Standing in the bright sun, my head spins. The roar of the people is so loud we can hear nothing else. Scanning the thousands of people in the stands, I spot the great Emperor. With head high, his haughty attitude permeates his whole being, and much to my surprise our eyes meet. Even from so far away I could see the hate in his eyes, and feel it, like a burning sensation. He smiled, one of the most sinister smiles I had ever seen, and raised his hand high. With that mere motion the lions were set free, and the chariots came rushing out of their place of waiting. Turning my eyes away from Nero’s chilling gaze, I face the foe. “This is it men, for our Lord!” I could barely hear the sound of my father’s yell, as we charged forward to meet our doom.

Not many years before this, Pilate stood before his very Maker, the One Who was at that very moment allowing Pilate’s heart to keep beating so that he was alive to make this sentence on Jesus.  Pilate had the audacity to think that he had total control of Jesus’ life and death, but he was sadly mistaken! Jesus quickly put Pilate in his place:

and he (Pilate) entered into the Praetorium again and said to Jesus, “Where are You from?” But Jesus gave him no answer. So Pilate said to Him, “You do not speak to me? Do You not know that I have authority to release You, and I have authority to crucify You?” Jesus answered, You would have no authority over Me, unless it had been given you from above;” ()

Pride was the first sin ever committed (Satan), and since that time it has been rampant on the earth and has oft been the driving force behind some of the most heinous

( humanly speaking) crimes. We see it here in the heart of Pilate; and we have seen it over time in the hearts of some of the worst of men we can think of : Nero, Adolph Hitler, Joseph Stalin, and even Sadaam Hussein!

One cannot even begin to fathom what kind of darkness was in these men’s minds. But we do know one thing, the driving force was pride. They all had power and sway, and they used it in such a way to bring glory to themselves and to further their ideas and wishes. When we look back on there deeds, the lives lost, the pain felt and the damage done, we have a hard time seeing anything good of it. But that is because we have forgotten about the fact that they had this power, this sway, only because of God, for that was the basis of what Jesus told Pilate: the authorities only have authority because God Almighty has given it to them. While this may be disheartening, if it is coupled with the truth that God does only good (Rom. 8:28), it is actually enlightening and a blessing!  Because no matter who comes to power, or what they do, we know that ultimately God is in control and has only good as its end!

So in other words, while these men had awful and sinister things at heart planned (Pilate, Nero, Adolph, Joseph, and Sadaam to name a few) ultimately their plans were thwarted before they started, because God was in control the whole time, taking their bad and bringing good about through it! So in the end evil really does always fail, and not only fail but ends up being worked against its own self! Now that’s real power!

So with all that in mind, as we look now to Nero, a sick and demented man, may we not forget that God was working behind the scenes, using what Nero planned for evil, to bring about good:  “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive.” (Gen. 5:20)

Coming to Throne:

Nero was not actually born of royalty, so in all actuality he, from a human standpoint, should never have come to the throne! So we see even here at the very outset of his life, that God had a plan! God wanted Nero to come to the throne, it was God’s plan all along, and because God is always only good, we know that this was exactly what was to be, nothing more or less would have done!

 Nero was born to a well off family, and things started well for him. But sadly they took a turn for the worst, when the Emperor Caius Galigula at that time banished his family, and seized the family’s entire fortune. Nero’s father died after that when Nero was but three years old. His future looked bleak, with a single mother now trying to raise him and all their fortune gone. But it took a turn for the better when his mother married her uncle, who happened to be Emperor Claudius. Agrippina (Nero’s mother) had an agenda from the outset, but God was working in and through that too:  “Agrippina convinced Claudius to adopt Nero and in 50 AD he (Nero) became the probable heir to the throne, even ahead of Claudius's own son! In 54 AD Agrippina murdered Claudius and Nero became ruler at the age of 17.” (www.thenagain.info, accessed 2-17-12).

So we see that really, he never had a good example set before him, his mother loved money and wealth, and was willing to do anything to get it, and this most likely had a great impact on Nero as well. Being only seventeen, he most likely was not ready to take the throne, and having such a horrible example of a mother, it’s no wonder he became the man he was, but again this was all used of God!

Steps to Destruction:

Like many bad leaders, Nero started off well:

“Biographers cite that up until 59 Nero was known for his generosity and mildness. During this period he forbade capital punishment and contests involving bloodshed in the circus. He even reduced taxes. This side of the emperor disappeared when he ordered the murder of his mother, who was accused of treason in 59.” (www.thenagain.info, accessed 2-17-12).

So one has to wonder how he got from being totally against blood shed and capitol punishment, to hosting mass bloodshed of Christians and others in the coliseum and crucifying Christians and lighting them for his parties at his garden.

The road to destruction and sin is often not a like a slide at the park, where we push off (or slip) once and descend very quickly down, but rather it is a series of steps to the slide. These steps are often times small steps, so small no one even realizes where they are going, before it is too late, and then they have hit the slide. So too was this sudden change in Nero. It was not one decision, but most likely a series of them, that ultimately lead him down the path to the spiraling slide of sin.

The Last Straw Step:

One of these steps was what we know of as the fire in Rome. Most likely, this was the “last straw” step; the step that sent Nero off the rocker and spiraling down the slide of sin. It is one of the most well known events of his reign, and ironically it started within the Circus, the place where Christians would later be slaughtered: “Nero was in Antium when the fire started in the Circus Maximus. The fire spread and raged furiously over Rome for nine days.” (www.thenagain.info, accessed 2-17-12). Nero was not even in the city where the fire started, so why in the world could the people have blamed Nero for this? If a women’s husband dies, and she remarries only days after the death, people are suspicious and rightly so. So to, the actions of Nero following the fires, were cause for suspicion, for “when Nero returned he started to rebuild the city, which caused some to suspect Nero of planning the fire in order to make room for a new city built in his honor.” Obviously, no one wants to be blamed for something, and what do most people do when they are blamed? Most plead “not guilty,” and to plead not guilty and do it successfully one must have two things. The first being they must have an alibi, which Nero had (he was not even in the city where the fire started). Secondly, one would need a scapegoat, someone (or something) else to blame it on, Nero found this with the newest movement on the planet:

 “Nero, always a man desparate to be popular, therefore looked for scapegoats on whom the fire could be blamed. He found it in an obscure new religious sect, the Christians.And so many Christians were arrested and thrown to the wild beasts in the circus, or they were crucified . Many of them were also burned to death at night, serving as 'lighting' in Nero's gardens, while Nero mingled among the watching crowds.” (www.roman-empire.net, accessed 2-17-12).

The two very things that Nero, when he first came to the throne, was against: capital punishment and the circus, he now was using to kill Christians (Crucifixions and the circus).

Many of these elements seem almost “coincidental”: Nero coming to throne, though he was not even born of royalty, a fire that may have even been caused naturally. But ultimately we know that God was at work in and through it, and we know that it was for the greater good of all and the furtherance of His glory and kingdom, which in the end are the only two things that matter anyways!

Stark Contrast:

            Here in the book of Acts we find Paul coming before Nero. What a stark contrast this is! I mean here we have a man who used to persecute Christians, until he met the Savior on that road to Damascus (Paul), coming before a future persecutor of Christians (Nero). The stark contrast is easily visible, but what made the difference? I believe it was merely the grace of God! Often we are tempted to think that we are above certain sins, dare I say even better than Nero. But we are forgetting that it is only by God’s grace, for “apart from the grace of God, there go I!” In all actuality we are no better than Nero, and at the heart (which is where it really counts) we are fundamentally no different than him, just a sinner, the difference is the grace of God!

Often we are tempted to think that we are above certain sins, dare I say even better than Nero. But we are forgetting that it is only by God’s grace, for “apart from the grace of God, there go I!” In all actuality we are no better than Nero, and at the heart (which is where it really counts) we are fundamentally no different than him, just a sinner, the difference is the grace of God!

“The haughty monarch before whom the man of God was to answer for his faith, had reached the height of earthly power, authority, and wealth, as well as the lowest depths of crime and iniquity. In power and greatness he stood unrivaled. There were none to question his authority, none to resist his will. Kings laid their crowns at his feet. Powerful armies marched at his command, …Millions bowed in obedience to his mandates. The name of Nero made the world tremble. To incur his displeasure was to lose property, liberty, life; and his frown was more to be dreaded than a pestilence.”

          So we see, Nero was powerful, and haughty, and full of wealth and had many people under his sway. What a stark contrast to the humble and poor Paul, who had no power over people, but rather entrusted them to God:

“Without money, without friends, without counsel, the aged prisoner stood before Nero--the countenance of the emperor bearing the shameful record of the passions that raged within; the face of the accused telling of a heart at peace” (www.preparingforeternity.com, accessed 2-17-12).

 This is where raging passion and peace came to meet. Paul was totally at the mercy of this powerful and wicked Emperor, most would be petrified, too scared to even breathe. But not Paul, he opened his mouth and proclaimed the gospel to this man who, just like everyone else on earth, so desperately needed Jesus.

God’s Grace Extended:

            Could there really be a place in heaven for people like Hitler, Stalin, Saddam and Nero? The answer is an emphatic yes! Jesus didn’t just die for the so called “petty sins,” He died for the so called “big ones” too! All sin is evil and on an equal level with God! If you are climbing a mountain and you are trusting in a chain to hold you, and many chains break, would you fall? The answer is of course! On the flip side, same scenario, what if only one chain broke? The answer remains the same, you would still fall! It does not take many and the overtly heinous sins to condemn someone, it takes but one! That’s all! Think about it this way, most likely there are people in hell today who have sinned less than you have! That’s a sobering thought! We are all sinners on the same equal scale to God, but praise Jehovah that we are all also redeemable! I am just as redeemable as Hitler, Sadaam, and Nero! No one deserves heaven, but praise Jehovah that it is offered to all (John 3:16)!

So here at the throne of Nero, God extends His truth to Nero through Paul, giving Nero a chance for change:

“Never before had Nero heard the truth as he heard it on this occasion. Never before had the enormous guilt of his own life been so revealed to him. The light of heaven pierced the sin-polluted chambers of his soul, and he trembled with terror at the thought of a tribunal before which he, the ruler of the world, would finally be arraigned, and his deeds receive their just award. He feared the apostle's God, and he dared not pass sentence upon Paul, against whom no accusation had been sustained. A sense of awe restrained for a time his bloodthirsty spirit. For a moment, heaven was opened to the guilty and hardened Nero, and its peace and purity seemed desirable.

But we see from the passage, that Nero did not except this offering:

That moment the invitation of mercy was extended even to him. But only for a moment was the thought of pardon welcomed. Then the command was issued that Paul be taken back to his dungeon; and as the door closed upon the messenger of God, the door of repentance closed forever against the emperor of Rome. No ray of light from heaven was ever again to penetrate the darkness that enveloped him. Soon he was to suffer the retributive judgments of God.” (www.preparingforeternity.com, accessed 2-17-12).

Who knows, Nero may have repented, but it is highly doubtful, but what a wonderful picture of the grace of God in His life, who would have thought that God would have provided Nero a life-boat off the ship that was headed to destruction and ruin?

Complete Hopelessness

After Nero rejected God through Paul, the rest of his life was filled with horror towards the Christians, and then his own destruction and ruin in his end. His own people turned on him, his father had died as I said earlier when he was but three, and he had killed his own mother. He had no one left to help! He was in such utter hopelessness, without God, that in the end he took his own life:

“In this time of peril, Nero had not, like the faithful Paul, a powerful and compassionate God on whom to rely. Fearful of the suffering and possible torture he might be compelled to endure at the hands of the mob, the wretched tyrant thought to end his life by his own hand, but at the critical moment his courage failed. Completely unmanned, he fled ignominiously from the city and sought shelter at a countryseat a few miles distant, but to no avail. His hiding place was soon discovered, and as the pursuing horsemen drew near, he summoned a slave to his aid and inflicted on himself a mortal wound. Thus perished the tyrant Nero, at the early age of thirty-two.”

While this account of Nero is filled with utter hopelessness, and pain and horror, we also see God’s grace and goodness through it all! God used Nero, without Nero even knowing it, and even extended an opportunity for Nero to hear the truth and to turn in repentance! The grace of God is a mighty and powerful thing! Never to be taken lightly, for apart from it we would all be just like Nero! Filled with our own selves, our own agenda, sure our methods may look different, but when we get down to the heart of it all, we are all the same! Praise Jehovah then for His grace, and for His ability to take someone’s intent for evil and bring about good from it! As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive.” (Gen. 5:20)

My Love Story

This friends is my love story (thus far anyways). I will warn you, its not all a bed of roses, its not all mushy and gushy. Its had its ups and downs. But God wrote it, and so all credit goes to Him! It twas written in Love by Jehovah Jirah (God Who provides) and illustrated by Jehovah Elohim (God of creation), and yes they are the same person, just as I am the same person though some call me Bethany, others call me Bethy, and still others call me Fred, freddy and fredders (try and figure those out…and if ya do let me know cuz I still haven’t lol). Still a couple people call me Biz, and one person calls me “Juice” and another calls me “boobop” (I’ll let you guess on those….and just one hint, no its not Joshy who calls me that lol!).

While I am called all these wonderful (and slightly odd) names, I am still the same Bethany Duffy underneath and behind it all, the names just describe me, and make me more special to some, and oddly enough make me feel special (yes even Freddy makes me feel special lol).

Anyways, I apologize for that rabbit trail, the point of that trail, is that though God and I are called by many different names (He more than I) we are still the same person underneath, we are only but one person!

Now onto my love story:

         Part One: Tomboy~ “boys are just peers”

So if you knew me as a youngster, you probably already know that I was a tomboy! I loved the outdoors (still do), and mud (nothins changed there either). So my younger years and even on into my teenage years, I thought of boys as just peers, as friends and cool people to do fun stuff with, like playing Indians and cowboys, and the like.

 Joe (younger brother) and I were best friends, and being homeschooled, we really didn’t know anything else, and so I found myself with “the guys” a lot. Choosing to hang out with Joe and his friends.

In fact recently my little mini me, who lately has been trying to figure more out about me so she can copy me (yes even waking early to meet with God…baffles me how He works!) well anyways she asked me the other day “so when you were my age, who did you hang out with?”

“Oh I just hung out with Joe mostly. He and I were best friends, we played outside together a lot.”

And that’s the truth, sure from time to time I would play house with Krista, but more often than not I was doing stuff with Joe outside. So part one has been thus dubbed “Boys just peers.” Because for the most part that is what they were, sure I had some boys later in my teen years (13-17) who I liked, but I never pursued anything, or let them know about it.

Besides in the “Duffy household” no one dates till they are 18, and even then it has to be with chaperones. And as far as I was concerned, I was totally content with that (even at age 17!). And still am! In fact I hope to do the exact same with my own children, should God bless me with some, someday ;)

      Part Two: Surrender to Purity

When I was around the age of 13 (I’m totally guessing right now because I cant remember, Krista if you read this you can correct me if I’m wrong), me and my sister and some other girls from our church watched a movie called “Pamela’s Prayer.” This movie is about a girl who decides when she is younger that she will not kiss any man until her wedding day, and her struggles in that, but it is a beautiful movie because she ends up being able to save her lips for the wedding day.

After that movie, I came under the conviction that I wanted to save my kiss till my wedding day. And so me and my sister and another girl, made that decision that night. And thankfully my mom has encouraged me to keep going with this decision, so I am still planning on saving the lips till I get married.

Shortly after that, on my 14^th birthday (as is the Duffy tradition) I received a purity ring. And with it came a little poem, and then also a commitment on the back, which I signed and dated (and still have tucked away somewhere).

           Part Three: Submission to Singleness:

I had never really thought about singleness before. I mean here I was 14, 15, and 16, and I  didn’t really think about guys other than peers, and I knew that one day I wanted to be married (at this time I was hoping to marry a Pastor so that I could go into full time service to the Lord). I knew I wanted 10 kids (this was back then, not now, so don’t sweat it Joshy! Lol!) And I knew I wanted to live out in the country in Montana and have lots of dogs. So of course I never even gave thought to singleness, I mean you kind of have to be married to be a “pastor’s wife” and to have 10 kids…just sayin! Lol.

And if it had not been for some special circumstances, and for some wise words from my Heavenly Father, through my earthly father, I would have never even considered singleness.

That evening had started out a little normal, my parents had gone out and had left Joe and I in charge of the children ( Krista was at a friend’s)
The phone rang, so me being the eldest answered it. Turns out it was my mom telling me that a young man from our church, Jesse, liked Krista and was looking to “date” her.

Now this first off came as a shock to my family and I because Jesse had never shown any signs that he even liked her. ( it just so happens that this was the exact way that it occurred with him and I too) After hearing this I remember mentally telling myself to “ hold it together” because I was not about ready to
cry in front of my siblings. So I held it in (I was very jealous of Krista at this point cause she had someone “ who liked her and I did not.”) So I as I said held it together until my parents came home.

Then as soon as they came home they began talking about it (with me and the younger kids).
I remember I started to cry and immediately ran to my room ( I am not one to cry in front of people if I do not have to) and of course my parents came to my room and tried to talk to me. I proceeded to cry and tell them that I had never had any guy like me ( which was true for the most part) and that I felt I would never find anyone… when my dad stopped me in the middle of my selfish complaining and said something I will never forget.
He told me something that changed my whole perspective on Krista dating Jesse and even changed my perspective on waiting patiently for whatever God has for me.

He said “you know what Bethany, in order to get the blessing of marriage you must give it up first and be willing to be single.” He also said that I was a gem and that I needed to wait for the guy that God would bring along to me ( if he brought one ) and that I needed to have patience.
Boy did that stop me in my tracks. Here I was 15 to 16 years old and already I was getting impatient with waiting, and maybe you are in the same boat.

Maybe you are tired of waiting… maybe you feel like you will never find that guy that God has for you.
Just remember that in order to receive the blessing of marriage you must be willing to be single first ( in that you are willing to wait for Gods timing and what He has for you because not all people are called for marriage).

Remember to “ Wait on the Lord”, and remember that He has a purpose and a plan for you and He will finish the work He has begun in you. Maybe it is a trial for you to wait, just remember that through this test if you handle it the correct way you will be brought closer to God and you will have more patience.

Part four: Dating Jesse

Turns out, that I ended up dating the very guy I was jealous of my sister dating! It started with us just emailing back and fourth while he was over seas (Iraq) in the war.

This is probably the most difficult part of my love story to write…the hardest year of my life. I have told people that I cried more in that year of dating him than I ever had in my entire life! And that’s the honest truth. In fact not to long I was faced with this question on facebook:

What is the hardest thing you have ever been through (that you are comfortable sharing publicly)? How did the Lord help you through it?

And this was my reply:

My freshmen year at college! not only did I deal with getting adjusted to leaving home and going to school and homework and a new job, but we had a hard time with a girl on campus, treating my sister horriblly and on top of that I had a break-up with my boyfriend that caused havoc not only in my own personal life but also the life of my family and even my church family!

How God got me through all that is through His Word! I just got up day in and out and He never failed to meet with me each day, giving me the exact "food" that I needed from His Word to get me through that day. I can't tell you or describe to you how hard those days after the breakup were, nor of the great comfort that God gave to me through His Word!

I learned SO much in that time and also even during the relationship. No matter what new "news" came up about the break-up situation, God got me and my family through it and helped us to keep going! That decision to break-up was the hardest desicion I have ever had to make! But How glad I am that God got a hold of this prodigal daughter of His! And for His forgiveness, in accepting me back after my rebellion and also for His grace!

And for working in and through my parents! He shone through them! The day after the break-up I woke up and felt that I had lost alot of people (though I gained my relationship with my parents) I still felt that I had lost alot, but then I was reminded of the quote "There will be days when you will have no one and nothing at all, escept God, and that is ALL you will EVER need!" How true this was, and to think that I had to be broken to come to grips with this, but how glad I am that He broke me!

So while this was hard, dating a controlling and possessive guy, and then the hard and difficult time of breaking the chains of that relationship, God did teach me and He uses it still today! PRAISE JEHOVAH for knowing exactly what I would need!

Part Five: Refusing to marry~ making singleness my lot!

Outwardly I was surrendered to God. I was attending a Bible college; pursuing a degree in the area God has given me a burden for (Biblical counseling). I was faithful in having time with God each day, learning and growing; I was teaching Sunday school and taking the opportunities to serve God when and how I could. I was serving at a Baptist camp as a cook. Of course I was surrendered to God! Or was I??? NO!

There was one area…just one small area that was not surrendered. (Okay I should clarify that every time
I sin I am not surrendered in some area…but what I am speaking of is a part of the bigger scope of things. The smaller scope is perhaps the most dangerous, the “little battles” (everday sins as it were) as it were, but they always lead to the “bigger battles” ( habitual sins over long periods of time) if kept unchecked…random side note…my apologies).

Anyways, in the home of my heart, all the rooms were surrendered, Christ had access to them all, except for the closet underneath the stairwell. That I would never let go.
I lived this way for a year. I enjoyed fellowship with God, but I knew that there was something between us( the skeleton in my closet), knew exactly what it was, but was did not think that I could possibly ever surrender it.

No one would know about my unsurrendered heart, unless they asked the right questions, which in fact many did, but no one asked the deeper questions to figure out why. Everyone knew what, but never got the “why” because I was unwilling to say! And those who asked often asked in public, and of course I was not going to reveal a dark heart to a room full of light hearts!

What you say often reveals your heart! Up at camp in the kitchen, all the cooks are girls, so of course as you can imagine the subject of marriage came up A LOT in the two years that I worked there. It was pretty clear that I was going to be single the rest of my life. And I was proud in that, outwardly , but inwardly I was squirming! How I longed to be like Jessie, Bethany, and Julie! How I longed to be able, like them, to say that I would do whatever the Lord would have me do in the area of marriage. I began to want to say that “yes I will marry” or “yes I will stay single” but felt that I could not.

At first I was glad that it was hidden, not wanting to expose my unsurrendered heart and also my past, I liked the fact that it was all hidden, and that I “looked good” to everyone.
But then slowly but surely I began to realize that I was very wrong, and that I needed answers. But I had no where to turn!

I began to think “if only they knew”, then they would not see me the same way. I felt like I was living a lie, trapped and unable to tell anyone the truth because it would be inappropriate, so I just had to leave everyone to their false assumptions, while I stayed in my guilt…my shell. How I longed to be like all the others around me, good people, clean, right and innocent. I now perhaps no a little what it is like for a new Christian who was saved from a harder life.

Looking back on it I can see that God was preparing and molding my heart to the place where I would be able to surrender “He fashions their hearts individually; He considers all their works” psalm 33:15


 He did this when I was struggling with my eating disorder, He did this when I was in a wrong relationship, and again did this with my unsurrendered heart! Faithful is the Father in pursuing this wandering prodigal, faithful the shepherd who lovingly seeks out His lost sheep, snatching it from the storm and joyfully carries it home no matter how many times He is called to go out and find it! WOW! What a God I serve! What a Father!

What finally brought it full circle was a message up at camp. The man was speaking in the Psalms 4, and was sharing how if there was something in our lives that we were not sure of, did not have the answers to then we needed the light of God’s countenance to shine on it! The speaker encouraged us to pray that God would shine the light of His face on the subject. He also encouraged us to seek someone out, if the need be.

“There are many who say,” Who will show us any good?” LORD, lift up the light of Your countenance upon us.” Psalm 4:6

This is what I needed! I did not know what was good, and this verse said that God is the one who is able to show me what is good! How does He do this? By the light of His countenance!

“For they did not gain possession of the land by their own sword, Nor did their own arm save them; But it was Your right hand, Your arm, and the light of Your countenance, Because You favored them.”-Psalm 44:3


WOW! This was exactly what I needed, it was as if the speaker was speaking directly to me! It really opened my eyes, and I squirmed within myself. I knew that I needed help,
needed to come to the place where I could surrender, but I had questions.

From that evening on I began to pray that God would shine His countenance on the subject, and that He would send someone to talk to me. After a few weeks of praying for this, and no real answers, I began to think that perhaps, I would need to actually seek someone out, versus someone coming to me.

So I began to pray for an opportunity to talk to someone about my unsurrendered heart.
This came when Lynnae stopped by my room one night after we retired from the kitchen. And so I took the opportunity to ask her for a chance to talk to her. She of course said yes.

We never talked at camp (too busy), but after I left and got into school, I sent her an email and she got back to me and helped me to realize where I was wrong.



You see after breaking up with Jesse, because of the wrong and awful things I did with him, (I am not the typical “good girl” that some think I am…..). Anyways because I have sinned, I knew that God forgave me and has forgiven me for it, but I just did not want to ever have to tell another guy how I have sinned, and I did not believe that there would ever be any guy who would be able to forgive me.

God forgives it is true because He is Holy and loving, but we humans have a lot harder time forgiving because we are sinful.
I was being very wrong in my thinking and really I was not trusting God and was not surrendered to Him in the area of marriage.
That night after she talked with me about it, I prayed and surrendered to God.

Now not always do things happen this way, but I will say one thing before I go on. God uses our past to bring us to where we are, and to lead us on into our futures.
Looking back in hindsight I can see that God was def. leading me along, from the unsettledness in my spirit about my unsurrendered heart, to that message, to talking to Lynnae, to surrendering. It all seemed like “happen stance” at the time, but I know it def. wasn’t!

Part Six: “An Abraham and Isaac” moment:

Shortly after I surrendered to God, the most ironic of things happened! It was fall time, my Jr. year at Faith had barely begun when a young man asked me if I would be willing to deepen my relationship with him.

To make a long story a little shorter, I prayed about it and then said yes. But you see the ironic thing is, if Thomas had asked me not two weeks earlier I would have turned him down just like that, no questions asked…not prayer…no thought to God, because of my unsurrendered heart. But because God chose to pursue this prodigal, because of His faithfulness, and I kind of see that relationship with Thomas as an “Abraham and Isaac” moment. Yes, I had fully thought (and intended to) that it would go to marriage, but alas that is not what God wanted, for we broke it off 6 months into it.

Rightly so I might add, God taught me a lot in that relationship, and I learned a lot and am still learning from it. Yes it was hard, yes I got hurt, but none of that matters now, because God meant it for my good (Rom. 8:28.)

I believe that He brought Thomas along just after that surrender so that He could tell if I had truly, and indeed surrendered to whatever He would have me.

The odd thing is, if I hadn’t dated Thomas, I most likely would never have even given Joshy a chance! Because it was while I dated Thomas, that I saw a different side of Joshy that I had never seen, and my thoughts about him changed.

Part Seven (wow that’s not odd at all…God’s number? Lol jj jk): JOSHY The Shepherd!

So as you know last Saturday, Joshy and I got engaged! What a blessed time we have entered into! Wedding planning, and the like…it will start to drive me crazy Im sure, but for now its fun!

I know that we have a long road to haul (one semester left at faith, him with the pastorate, me going to camp possibly, and we don’t get married till September 1^st!!) But God has been faithful thus far, and I know He will see us through till the end (Phil. 1:6).

This relationship has not been without its own ups and downs, but God has been faithful through it all! And how thankful I am to Him for drawing Joshy and I together! And boy did God have His work cut out for Him, in the “drawing us together” part!

For those of you who didn’t know, I used to not like Josh at ALL! I ran away from the guy! At camp when he would come around I took off for the nearest hiding place (usually behind a counter or stove, or in the cooler). One time I didn’t even come to the window to speak with my mom who had come to visit me in the kitchen, just because Josh was around! Lol! It was like that one cartoon skunk chasing that other cartoon skunk around!

He used a lot of “pick-up lines” back then, and I just didn’t like him, he was annoying, so to speak. In fact when we went off to college, I can remember him asking me a couple times to go out to dinner, or dessert with him and I always told him no.

So when he asked me at the beginning of this past summer (’11) to write him, I was like “no way!” Especially since I had just gotten out of a relationship!

But as is my custom when guys asked to date me, I sought my parents advice, and they told me to just write him and see how it goes, “It may turn out to be nothing at all, and not go anywhere, but he has been pursuing you for a long time now bethany, he deserves a shot.” Those were my moms words to me on the subject.

So I prayed about it and thought about it. I had noticed a difference in him while I was dating Thomas, he seemed different somehow, more mature, and he had a good head on his shoulders (I mean how many guys do you know that are trying to be a full time pastor, plus a full time student, plus working part time?).

And he seemed to be a godly guy. So I agreed to write for the summer, but just as a friend (made sure to make the perfectly clear). But as it turns out God had different things in mind. He took over my script, and about 100 text messages later (between Josh and I) and a couple “unofficial dates” later, Joshy asked my dad to date me!

We discovered how much we had in common. In fact after our first date (getting muddy at the river) the thing we both came away with that day was the wonderful joy of just being able to be ourselves around each other! We both love the outdoors, and running, and swimming, and playing games (like Catan lol) and getting muddy!

 He gets along SO well with my family (that is a HUGE thing with me!). And we both are surrendered to whatever God would have us to do!

In fact, this is a short story so I’ll throw it in here. It was S.R. high camp (my jr. year of highschool or sophomore year…or was it my sr. year…cant remember) anyways it was “fire night” and Pastor Phil called for all of us who were feeling called to be missionaries to come on his right and those of us who felt called to full time ministry to come and stand to his left. And so I went down there, because I had always felt called to do some kind of full time ministry for the Lord, and guess who was stamding in front of me when I got there? YEP! Joshy! And the funny thing is that night when we returned to our cabins, I told my mom about it, and my mom was like “Haha, maybe someday he will be a pastor and you his wife!” And of course I was like “NO WAY!” Not this girl!

Who was I fooling? Lol!

Anyways, he knew from the our first date that he would ask me to marry him, in fact he told me that shortly after we started dating. And he continued to say that during break sometime he would “pop the big Q.” And sure enough, and much to my surprise, he did! And in 8 months I will Lord willing say “I DO” to the partner, the fellow character, of my love story!

WOW! What a wonderful God we serve! May I encourage friends to share your love stories (if you have one) and if you don’t yet, then may I encourage you to surrender the script to God to write (for He will write it His way anyway, whether you do or not!) Allow Him to have free reign, you will never regret it! I DON’T!

May you have been blessed, challenged, and encouraged! If you have any questions, or comments, feel free!

OH and Joshy, I LOVE YOU!!!

This was inspired by  the book :"When God writes your love story" BY Eric and Leslie Ludy (very good book, I recommend to all!)

The author who lost control

The last word of the two hundred page book has just been typed, a sigh of relief, a HUGE accomplishment!  The author quickly hits the save button on her computer, then leans back in her chair, she and breathes a sigh of satisfaction. Her face beams with pride as she prays and thanks the Heavenly Father above that she has finally finished this piece.

She scrolls to the top, and begins reading from the beginning, having practically forgotten how the whole story had begun. After the first couple sentences she is absorbed in the book, and in her own genius behind it.

But as she clicks down to view the second page, the words begin disappearing, one by one, then faster and faster. Frantically she begins scrolling to the bottom, the words disappearing as fast as she is scrolling. Horror stricken, she watches as the last word, that she had just written moments before disappears.

She places her hands to her cheeks that are already turning red and giving off heat. Her head begins spinning, she scrolls back up to the top, and to her surprise words begin faintly appearing back on her computer document. But not the words that had been there before, no these words were much different.

These were not her words at all, not her plan. Puzzled and a bit afraid, she begins to read the words slowly, trying to understand each one. The words appear slowly, only as fast as she reads, she is soon more absorbed in this piece, then she was in her own.

Reading along, she is shocked as she realizes that she is reading her exact story, the one she had just finished, the story that had been moments before erased. All throughout the piece she reads some similar things, some things are even exactly as they had been in the original. But much to her dismay she begins noticing some stark differences found therein as well. Towards the middle of the piece, she reads a part of the story that both shocks her and angers her.

Her eyes narrow, anger at having lost all control over this story, surges through her.
“What??!!! This is not the way this story is supposed to go! I am the author! I say what goes where, and what happens, and who is named what! This is wrong…this is ALL WRONG!”

Despite her anger, she takes a deep breath and continues, “maybe it will turn out…”

As it turns out, that particular “problem” turned out even better than it had in her original copy of this story. “How can that be? How could something, that bad, turn out that good? I mean I thought of adding that problem in…but went against it thinking it just could not end well. I just don’t get it!”

Baffled, she reads on and on, finding scenario after scenario of problems and crisis within the lives of the characters of her book , and getting less and less angry and more and more trusting of whoever was writing this book anyway, because as she began to see, everytime a crisis arose that she had not originally put in she realized that it always turned out even better than when she had written it.

Soon she discovers that the book is already longer than the original she had written, upon realizing this the words suddenly stop, and the story ends at an abrupt halt, a fork in the road.  She tries pushing buttons, but again, as before nothing works. She hangs her head in her hands as tears begin forming in her eyes.

All her original work gone, and only a half finished book that she didn’t even write, she fears the worst, that someone has discovered how to hack into computer documents and dictate everything. “But who? Who would do this to me? And why? I have no control! I hate this…this is MY STORY!! I am the author! Whoever this is must STOP!” She hangs her head again, tears flow freely from her face, and anger surges through her.

Suddenly, she feels a soft but firm hand on her shoulder. She raises her head and turns, and much to her surprise, there before her, stands a Man dressed in white. She does not recognize Him at all, she reaches for her cell to call 911, when she notices His eyes look more sad and anguished than her own, and she notices the blood stain on His side, and hands, and sure enough on His feet too.

Wild amazement over takes her as she slowly gets up from her chair, and bows to the ground. “Jesus…Savior? How can this be?”

He bends low and raises her chin, so that their eyes meet. “Precious Daughter of mine, I love you and want you to know that.”

“Jesus, now that you are here, you can help me! I finally finished that piece I have been working on for forever it feels like, and someone, someone has hacked into my computer and erased all my work and rewrote it the way they wanted it! Can you believe that? Jesus, I am the author of that piece, I am the one who wrote it and chooses what happens when! Jesus, can you help me to find that awful person who did this? Can you restore my story to the way it was before? Please Jesus! Please?”

He shakes His head, “My daughter, you are in the presence of Him who erased and changed your story…”

“Wait? What? You…you changed it?”

“Yes my child, I did.”

The girl clears her throat, eyes wide, she shakes her head in disbelief. “But Jesus, you couldn’t have…why…why would you do this to me? After I did all that work…why..”

“My child, when you set out to write this, it was no ordinary book, it was your love story. And you sat down and began writing it yourself, the way you thought it should go. But my daughter you are but a mere human, you cannot see everything as I can…your story though it had the appearance of greatness, would have ended tragically, and I wanted you to have a beautiful and happy ending. That’s why I took over, I wanted the story to go my way, because My way is always best.”

“But Jesus, I couldn’t bear to go through all those hard and difficult things…I mean first off there was the breaking off the relationship with that wonderful guy, I mean…I couldn’t do that…and then there was that period of singleness in the twenty first chapter…I cant bear to not have a boyfriend for more than 6 months!! And how about my sister getting married before me? What kind of a story is that?? Jesus, you can’t do better than what I did! Jesus…”

Jesus interrupts her, “My child, I am the Great I AM, I am all knowing, and can see things better than you.” He grows silent, and tears form on His cheeks and stream down His face, Pulling His sleeves up, He reveals the scars. “My daughter, I died for you! I loved you so much I came and took the penalty for your sin. If I loved you enough to die for you, don’t you think I would love you enough to know what to send your way?

And you read it, all the crisis ended up better than they had in your version of your love story didn’t they? I hold true to my Word,  you have long known Romans 8:28, but my sweet child you are not living it out! You are not trusting me.” He drops silent.

Bewildered and a bit afraid as to what she should say next, this after all is the very God and Creator of the universe before her. She recalls to mind the story of Job and all his chats with the Creator, and decides it best to just keep silent.

After some time, Jesus turns her in her chair to face her computer. Standing above her He begins again, “Now my child, I can erase it all, I can restore it to what you had before, and you can write your own love story. Or you can give me the control, and I will write something beyond anything you could even dare to ask or think. The choice is yours, my child…so what will it be?”

Turning to face Him, she looks deeply in His eyes, all she can see is love and honesty and a knowledge beyond anything she could ever know.

Rising from her chair, she stands before Him. Hesistating for but a moment she takes a deep breath “It’s time…you must let go, He knows what He is doing, you are but a mere human, depraved and sinful…”

She wraps her arms around Him, “Jesus, you write my love story! I want it to go Your way and Your way alone! I could do no better than you! I give you control this day! I will do whatever you ask, go wherever you please, say whatever you want! MY life, including my love life, is yours!” Letting go of Him, she steps to the side, and watches Jesus smile and sit down to her desk, and begin typing.

“But Jesus what do I do now? With all this free time?”

“That’s the beauty of it sweetheart!” He says over His shoulder. “All this time you have been busy writing your love story you have missed so many opportunities to serve others! Go, leave this room, find someone to serve! It is never that you don’t have opportunities to serve, it is just you lack the eyes to see them! So go and serve me!”

With a smile on her face, she gives a deep sigh of satisfaction. Closing the bedroom door behind her, she watches as Jesus turns His face to see her, a smile lights upon it. “I love you my child.”

“And I love and trust you, Jesus!”

With that she closes the door, heading out to find a way to serve the One writing her love story.

No she doesn’t know exactly what will unfold, and she knows there will be a lot of pain involved, but in the end she knows that her love story written by Jehovah Jirah (translated God Who provides), Illustrated by Jehovah Elohim (God of creation.)

His writings are the best, there are none better! His painting and art work are the best, just check out the next sunrise or sunset you see! All around you He is at work!

Okay while this story of the girl author is totally fictional, the truth behind it is not!

As a writer I like to be in control (like the girl in the story). I like to know my characters and I like to know what is happening and I like it to go as planned, especially when it is a play I have written. My first play I wrote (Christmas play 1010) I had a hard time letting others give me advice about lines, and placement of things on stage.

This most recent play, however, I  had grown a bit more humble and I found it easier to take advice and to change lines. Why? Because I realized from the previous year, that I am actually not as great as I had once thought!

If what happened to the girl above, happened to me while I was writing my next piece (or even this piece for that matter) I would be just as upset as she was!

But in reality, so often I get that way about actual writings, but in all actuality I also do the same thing when it comes to my love story as well!

 I too, just like that girl, have tried over and over authoring my own love story, and to be quite honest it never goes well. Only when I hand the control over to God, does it go as it should!

And so I invite you to allow God to write your love story~ let Him have the pen (or keyboard). You will never regret it! Oh yes it will be a daily surrender, sometimes moment to moment surrender, but it will be well worth it and He will be glorified!

I will be posting “My love story thus far” here on facebook, if you would like to read. I hope you have enjoyed this “intro.” As it were to my story, I hope you were challenged and encouraged, and I hope you will find the same in my next piece! God bless! Thanks for reading!

Giver of all Gifts

                                                                   
What does the word “gift” even mean? Here is the dictionaries definition:

1.“something given voluntarily without payment in return, as to show favor toward someone, honor an occasion, or make a gesture of assistance; present.”

2. something bestowed or acquired without any particular effort by the recipient or without its being earned: Those extra points he got in the game were a total gift.

The sound of shredding paper is deafening, the shrieks, the screams, the laughs, the thrills, the joy lighting upon the faces. What Christmas day must look like to the Maker of it! What it must sound like, all combined and done simultaneously! What does He hear on that day? He sees it all and hears everything, and to think, every gift that anyone receives on that day (or any day) they have only because of Him. So really He is the Giver of all gifts!  And I am tempted to think on that day, do I even give thought to the giver of all gifts?

People rushing everywhere, they shove this person aside, running into that cart, grabbing anything and everything in sight. They stand in line after line, hour after hour, just to buy gift after gift for the special people in their worlds. Chaos! Pure chaos! Those are the words that best describe the all dreaded “black Friday.”

From that Friday on, the stores are filled with people looking for gifts for everyone on their lists. Some people’s lists are bigger than others, but their goal is all the same : to get a gift for someone in their world, to make that person feel special and loved.
We all know the feeling of joy, that inexpressible happiness, that surge of love and excitement, that comes when someone opens the gift we bought for them.

Whether you are a millionare and have just gifted your child with the latest  most expensive gifts, or you are the little child who has saved his money to buy his mother her favorite candy bar and give her his home-made card, the joy in giving is all the same. It does not matter whether you spent a lot, a little, or even none at all, a gift is a gift, and the joy of giving is always the same!
I can remember giving someone a gift this past summer, and it was a pretty substantial gift, it cost me something.

I also recall taking part in a “white elephant” in my dorm at Faith a few weeks ago. We were not allowed to spend any money, but rather had to give stuff that we found in our rooms and did not mind giving away. I took great care in going through my room, I made sure to find things that people would want and use. To be quite honest, both joys in giving were the same! Oh sure, the price tags were much, much different, but the joy was the same!

I wonder if the Giver of all gifts feels the same? And to answer that question, I give a definite YES! Why? Because we are made in the very image of God, and so we know that He feels that same joy, that inexpressible happiness.

However His is much different, it is fuller! He knows it better than we do, because ours is marred and tainted by sin, and often has a streak of selfishness in it, making it less tasteful and real. God’s however is pure, and a holy joy! You cannot separate His attributes, He is all merciful and yet all justice at the same time. WE cannot comprehend this because we are finite, and He infinite. So in other words we get only a small ray of this joy, God gets the whole sun! We get a small drop, God gets the whole cup!

I got to thinking about this idea gift giving last night, when I shared the Christmas story (the greatest gift) with the Kids at Kid’s club last night. And ironically, but definitely not coincidental this morning I opened my Bible to Ps. 127:2, and read about gifts that God gives again, see if you can catch it:

“It is vain for you to rise up early,

To sit up late,
To eat the bread of sorrows;
For so He gives His beloved sleep.”

Did you catch that gift? Sleep! God gives us sleep! He invented it, made it so that our bodies needed it, why He even provided a specific time for it, when there is minimal light so that we can get the rest we need!

Ironically the next verse I read in devotions also holds another gift inside of it. Psalm 127:3:

“Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD,

The fruit of the womb is a reward.”

This one is more well-known. We have often seen it on posters in the nursery. And I’m sure that you, like me, have used this passage to remind you of this truth, especially when the children in your world are being exceptionally hard!

While I was encouraged reading about these two gifts that my Beloved Heavenly Father has given me, and while it was a joy to reflect on the specific “rest” He has given me (I let myself sleep in till 6:30 this morning instead of rising at 5am lol). And while I enjoyed reflecting on the specific children He has gifted me with (my cousin whom I get to see everyday, and also another babysitting child my mom watches, my neighbors and the kids at all stars whom I saw last night). While all that was joyful to reflect on and thank the Lord for this morning, I was also spanked by my Father this morning.

The “spanking” is found in the first part of verse 2 of psalm 127.

It says  "It is vain for you to rise up early,

To sit up late,
To eat the bread of sorrows;”

At first this verse seems to be able to preach and push for a 7pm “go to bed time” and a 9am “wake up time.” This way we would not be rising early, or sitting up late. But that’s where the end of the verse comes in: “To eat the bread of sorrows.” To eat the bread of sorrows is pointless and wasteful. It is meaningless. So NO this verse is not saying go to bed early and wake up late, rather it is telling us to get the rest we need. Not to rise early to do frivolous and pointless things (which would be my tendency because I am an early bird) and not to stay up late doing pointless and frivolous things.
Instead we are to use the time we have been given wisely, so that we will not abuse the gift of sleep that God gives us!

Just like with any gift we give to others, God’s gifts can be abused! That is the point of the first part of Ps. 127:2. It is talking about how we abuse God’s gift of sleep. We want too much, or take too little.

Very tragically, and much worse perhaps, is how the gift found in the next verse (Ps. 127:3) is abused. We all know that the abuse of children, the precious and wonderful gift God has given, has been abused. I don’t need to expound on the ways they are abused: abortion, physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. The numbers and ways are countless. The stories sickening, the lives ruined, heart wrenching.

And I have only touched on two of the gifts of God! These two, are gifts God has given, and yet as with every gift He gives, we take them for granted. How often do we unwrap His gifts only to be found ungrateful, wanting more, or wanting something different (and I am not just talking solely about the two gifts of sleep and children above, I am speaking to all His countless gifts!) We are found abusive of the wonderful gifts He gives.

And to think, that He, like us, longs to see us unwrap His gifts and use them. Longs to see the warmth and the smiles light upon our faces, to hear the joyous shrieks, and chuckles and laughter (depending on your age). To see us use them in the proper way, timing, and the proper amount!

But so often He finds us doing the exact opposite! And to think, everyday is a gift giving day for Him! Not just on our birthday, not just on Christmas, but EVERYDAY He LOADS us with gifts to enjoy! And to think that sometimes we do not even notice, we totally miss that He gave us a gift.

Have you ever been there? I’m certain you could easily think of a time that you gave a gift to someone and they abused it, or were ungrateful, or wanted more, or something different, or took too much, or perhaps they didn’t say “thank you” (like the nine lepers) but have you ever given a gift and had the person not even notice that you had given them a gift? To be honest, I’ve had all the above happen, but never had I seen someone not notice a gift I have given. And yet we do that to God, and often it is because we do not even know that He has given us a gift. Or we don’t recognize it as from Him.

And so with those thoughts, spurred by my time with God this morning, my heart was stirred to search scripture and to find more of the gifts from the Giver of all gifts. This way I can be grateful, I can see how not to abuse them! And so here is some of the things I have found. But I did’nt find them all (we may never until we reach Heaven)!!

I would be SO encouraged if you would go and search too! Join my in this quest, to unwrap the gifts from the Giver of ALL GIFTS! Come, join me at the Christmas tree, and please share what you unwrap here as a comment. Share the verse, and what has been given (if it is not explicitly obvious). THANKYOU! And may you and I take great JOY in unwrapping these gifts, and in bringing JOY inexpressible to the Giver’s heart as well!!

The greatest Gift ever given, without whom would be no other gifts: JESUS CHRIST, the sacrifice for sins!
Gen. 3:15 (the Proto evangelium= first mention of the gospel)
“And I will put enmity

Between you and the woman,
And between your seed and her Seed;
He shall bruise your head,
And you shall bruise His heel.”

The end of this verse talks about the fact that Satan would bruise Christ’s heal (the crucifixion) which we know would not be that bad of a wound, but Christ would bruise Satan’s head, which is a deadly blow! We have the victory!!

There are countless other places where the greatest of gifts is recorded, but probably the most well known is John 3:16, don’t let this just pass as normal, just mundane, as often it does! Think of the magnitude of love that the Father had for us! For me He died!

John 3:16
“For God so loved”: This answers why He gave the gift, everyone has a reason as to why they give the gifts they have.

“the World”: You know many many people, but chances are you will not give everyone a gift, but God did!

“That He gave”:Just like all His gifts, or any gift for that matter, it is undeserved and you can’t do anything to earn it!

“His only Son.”: It was’nt like so many of the gifts that we give, which take really no sacrifice at all. This was His one and ONLY Son! This was a sacrifice!

“That whosoever believes in Him, shall not perish, but will have everlasting life.”: All gifts have a benefit, a certain reason and way that they bring joy to the gifted, and the gift that God gave was no different! Jesus Christ would bridge the gap, He would make it possible for humans, the created, to once again have fellowship with God, the Creator!

Imagine it, before there was time, God decided to make a world with the Holy Spirit and Jesus His Son. And they all are omniscient, they know everything, even the future, they knew that one of their top creations (Angel, Lucifer) would fall, and with Satan many other angels would fall as well. And they also could see what would happen next, they knew that Satan would tempt Eve, and she would fall and Adam with her. And that sin would reign in every man’s heart after them.

They saw and knew this would happen. But they also knew that Jesus would pay the price. Jesus would do it, it was planned from the beginning of time, and out of love for man!

It is the gift that surpasses ALL time!! It is the One gift that we always will have!

Here are some of the first gifts that were placed under the Christmas tree of life:

1. Gen 1-2: He gave us creation!!!

2.Gen. 2:7: He has given us a body (“He formed man”). And He has given us life, and not just life like the animals have, He breathed into us eternal life! Two deep and crucial truths can be found within this gift.

A. We are separate from animals. We are different!
B. We will live forever! No matter who you are you will live FOREVER. The question is not if you will live forever, but rather where you will live (heaven or hell) and how you will live. If Hell is the destination then it will be a life forever stuck in ones sinful heart and depraved body.

The worse thing about hell is perhaps not the heat, perhaps not the darkness, perhaps not the thirst, but rather that one is stuck forever in their sin, unquenched, and growing day by day but never satisfied!

Or if the destination is Heaven, then life abundant, free from sin and with your Savior, finally able to Worship Him in truth and out of a pure heart!

So the gift in this verse is life eternal:

“And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being.”

3.Gen. 2: 21-24: God gave us companionship, (this is the passage where He created Eve for Adam). He gave us family as well.

4. Gen. 1:29: He gave us plants specifically:

Then God said, “Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the surface of all the earth, and every tree which has fruit yielding seed; it shall be food for you;

5. Genesis 9:2 : God gave us the fear of man in animals, and aren’t you glad! I mean it is bad enough when they do have the fear of man (we still hear of animals attacking people) can you imagine how much worse it could be without the fear of man in animals? Can you imagine what it would be like if the dominion mandate had not been given?

“And the fear of you and the dread of you shall be on every beast of the earth, on every bird of the air, on all that move on the earth, and on all the fish of the sea. They are given into your hand.”

6. Genesis 12:7: This obviously applies only to those who are of Jewish descent. God has given the land of Israel to the Israelites:

Then the LORD appeared to Abram and said, “To your descendants I will give this land.” And there he built an altar to the LORD, who had appeared to him.

I’ve barely scratched the surface folks! There is much more to be found in Scripture! To be shared just from your own life! Please share! So that we can join one another in thanks to our Wonderful, Gracious, merciful, loving, GIVER OF ALL GIFTS!!

So please share!!!

The hidden war

The sound of cannons pierce the early morning air. You rush out of bed and over to the nearest window. There in your front yard the lines have been drawn. The red against the blue, they are lined up in one of the most awful and stupid war tactics ever seen, and yet there they are before your very eyes, fighting on your property. You watch in horror as men drop dead on both sides.  A voice behind you asks “mama (or papa) what’s happening?” You turn around to face your young child . You really hope that you can deter his attention to something other than the war that’s going on outside in the fields he plays in. “Nothing son…let’s get breakfast.”
 “That’s not nothing! Tell me, it’s the redcoats battling the blues!” The excitement in his voice is clearly evident. “I hope the blues’ win!” You, his parent, cannot deny what is clearly seen, you are forced to face the reality and share it with your son.

 The civil war was no different either. It would have been very hard to say “there’s no war going on.” It was not even a thought that could rationally be thought! There was no denying that lines had been drawn and that war was waging.

But that’s not how it is today. The war is not on our property, it is not within our country, and thus if we do not have a relative fighting over there, it comes easy to just forget about it. We live so peaceably, so mundanely often, that we don’t even turn our minds there. It is deep within the recesses of most of our minds (with the exception of those whose brave loved ones have gone over there and are serving there currently).

 Ever catch yourself saying after a news report on this war with Iraq “wow…I almost forgot that there was a war going on.” I mean sure, we know it when we pay for gas and groceries, and when we catch newspaper clippings and bits of the news. But, if we are completely honest, it is not something that is constantly on our minds. We don’t walk around everywhere constantly thinking “wow there are people over in the east fighting for our lives and freedom.” Those are not constant thoughts, at least not for those of us who are not engaged in the war, or who have a loved one there.

 May I contrast that with the spiritual war that we Christians face against Satan and our own sinful selves? (What I mean by sinful selves is this: “the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.” Everyday we face a battle against our depravity, against our sin nature!) It is much the same, or at least has that tendency to become that way.

Unlike the civil and revolutionary wars, which were on our land, before the eye of the people, this battle with Satan is invisible (kind of like the war in Iraq). “Out of sight, out of mind” is often the idea here. We often can’t even tell where the lines have been drawn, and thus we often step right over into enemy territory, unguarded, unready, and down we go!

 Think of it! How awful for a union officer, to walk across enemy lines and face a confederate with no weapons, unprepared, and then to try and say “well I never saw the line…please have mercy.” Of course we know how that would go! That excuse would fall before it even left the mouth of that officer! And it is much the same! The war is raging, but do we not see it because we are not looking?? Do we fall a lot because we are unguarded?

I don’t know about you but this is often me! I often forget about this war that goes on against Satan and against our sinful selves (the spirit indeed is willing but the flesh is weak…THAT’S A WAR FOLKS!) And because I forget, I often totally miss it going on within others! And then I am surprised when they sin against me, or when they confess to me the sins they struggle with. WE wouldn’t be that surprised at all, if we would remember that a war is raging, within (sinful self) and without (Satan).

The sun had long since slipped behind the horizon, taking with it those precious rays of the sun that so wonderfully illumine everything so that we can see as clearly as possible. With the going of the sun, my vision became more and more impaired, adding to the stress of driving at night. It was long about 8pm or so, and I was heading once again to the Older couple’s farm to take care of them. Normally when I go there it is light out because I leave my home at 2 and get there at 4, but this time I was taking a different shift and needed to be there on Saturday evening till Sunday. Thus I was forced to drive at night.

I only just got my license a year ago this January, and have never been a good driver, always having trouble judging how big my car is and the like (just ask Joshy or my brother who have ridden with me frequently…SCARY STUFF they would say…haha). So as you can imagine, this being the first time I would have driven for a long amount of time at night, this would be difficult! It most def. was! I had a hard time seeing, and I was tired and just wanting to get there and be done with driving.

So  there I was tuttling along (my car has been affectionately been named “Mr. Tuttle” and it kind of stuck….thus “tuttling along” heehee not really a “need to know” thing I know but I thought I would share!).

Anyways, there I was tuttling along and I was rolling through the quaint little town of Coon Rapids. To most outsiders everything appeared correct. I was driving the speed limit, and was wearing my seatbelt, but there was one problem, I was driving on the other side of the white line towards the ditch side (not the dangerous side of opposing traffic, just to clarify that this was not an immensely dangerous situation!)

Anyways, to most it would appear that all is well, but not to the trained eye of a cop. He picked up on that small minor problem (driving on the other side of the white). So the lights came on and I knew I was in trouble. I quickly pulled over, my hands began shaking and my face turned hot almost immediately.  Suddenly his flashlight turned on and he walked up to my window. I quickly rolled it down, and he shone the light into my car. Blinking against the light, I try to make eye contact. “Do you know why I am pulling you over?”

Thinking to myself, I was like well I was going the speed limit…it must be a tail light out or something…perhaps I blew a stop sign?? Wait there were not any stop signs.. At a loss I just say as kindly as possible “no, no sir I don’t”

“Well you were driving on the other side of the white line, I just want to make sure your not intoxicated.” Was his matter of fact reply.

INTOXICATED! Are you kidding! I have not even drank so much as caffeine for like 5 years…this has got to be a joke! Hoping that my eyes were not bulging with bewilderment, I quickly compose myself. “Oh, uh..”

Shining his light into my car, his eyes take in my surroundings. To my surprise he fixates the light on my GPS on the windshield and my tassle hanging from my rear view mirror. “You are not allowed to have those two things, they are obstructions of view.” His words hit like a ton of bricks…I was like “WHAT!!??” you have got to be kidding me!

Of course I never said this aloud.

He of course was not kidding and asked for my drivers’ license and registration and proof of insurance. I quickly dug them out and handed them to him.
As he left to go to his car, I quickly began to take my GPS down and remove my tassle. All the while thinking “I thought I had everything right…I was going the speed limit…how could I have missed not just one thing, driving on the other side of the white line, but THREE THINGS??

He returned shortly, but not after I had taken the things down. Shining his light back on me, he said that he was going to let me go. He seemed a little hesitant though. He had handed me my things (registration/insurance etc) and I had put them back so quickly that I thought he hadn’t given them to me, so as he was leaving I asked for them. He said he had thought he gave them to me, but said he would search his car. He came back shortly, only to point his flash light right at my open dash drawer that had my stuff carefully placed inside.

I quickly apologized and thought “wow, now he must really think I am drunk!”
He looked at me unbelievingly, and hesitated for a moment, I thought “surely he is going to have me walk the line!”But he just left and got back in his car, warning me to keep those obstructions down.

I pulled away slowly and watched my driving very carefully till he was out of sight. And suddenly tears started rolling down my cheeks. Now if you know me well, you know that I am not a terribly emotional person, in fact when possibly I try not to cry as much as possibly. There have only been a few times in my life where I suddenly started crying uncontrollably for seemingly no reason at all, and all three have had to do with something spiritual going on in my life.

The first was after my baptism at six, I immediately was embraced by my father who had done the baptizing, and I started crying, I couldn’t honestly tell you why. The second time was at Jr. Girls camp when I was 11 and I started crying uncontrollably in my bed, my counselor (Penny Fogle) came and asked me what was wrong, I said I felt I needed to be saved, so that night I got assurance of salvation that night. And the third time was right there in tuttle driving away from that policeman.

At that moment two thoughts hit me. One the immense grace of God, in that He had made it so that policeman did not give me a ticket. And really the policeman’s grace in not giving me a ticket, regardless of if this man was saved or not, reminded me of and reflected God’s grace in my life! That policeman did not give me the ticket I deserved! He had let me go. With that thought I began praising and thanking God for His grace.

Shortly thereafter the second thought hit, and this one with more weight and conviction. My life at that moment (and even now) mirrors in a metaphorical way, that “pull-over.”

As I said I thought I “had everything right” and really I did have “most” (key word) everything right, but come to find out I did not, especially with the light of the flash light that policeman had shone!

And just like that, so in my spiritual walk I at that time had thought “I have everything right.” But I know, as God has always known, that I most certainly did not! Last year, the summer before my jr. year (so I am talking of  summer 2010) I fell back into a sin that I have been battling since I was 17. I wrote a memoir about the beginning of this battle (when I fell into it ) on facebook entitled “my secret..or so I thought” and I have copied it to my blog as well (so if you want the beginning of this “story” you will have to read that).

Anyways this battle I have engaged in, is the battle against an eating disorder. It is a silent thing, though public on facebook, most people do not even know that I struggle this way, and most who have found out were shocked. Mostly because, one does not have to be “skinny” to struggle with this…why? Or how? You might ask. The answer is simply this, an eating disorder is not about eating…or exercise, or making yourself puke. Those are just symptoms of a greater problem, a heart issue!

The symptoms help you identify the problem but they certainly do not define it! So in other words, I could be well over 300 pounds and still be struggling with an eating disorder in my mind. It is a HUGE temptation!

And to most on the outside, I look like I did driving that night…to a trained eye it appears that something is “amiss” slightly (driving on the otherside of the white line), they notice me skimping at meals, or perhaps they notice my obsession with running everyday. But it is’nt until the light of God’s Word and Spirit shine into my “Mr. Tuttle” of life are found the other problems (the tassle and GPS).

And just as that Tassle and GPS obstructed my view of the road, thus causing the driving on the wrong side of the road, so to my eating disorder (self worship and control) and pride have obstructed my view of the spiritual road I am on.

I have been taking Biblical counseling classes for most all of my four years at college (that is my minor), and so of course I know the “right answers.” I know the cause, I know what I should be doing to remove the tassle and GPS from my windshield (pride and selfishness, control and self-worship). But the sad thing is I don’t do it! I don’t apply the precious truths of God’s Word. And why do I not? Because I don’t yet want to give up my sin.

Friends, I am probably in one of the most scariest places of my life at the moment! Honest! I have begun to pray that God would change me, break me, help me to see the severity of my sin, help me to want to change!

And PRAISE JEHOVAH that He is gracious and faithful to this His lost and wandering sheep! I need Him! I honestly can’t do it on my own.

I believe that an eating disorder (like any addiction) will be a lifelong battle. It will be a constant fight. You have all most likely heard the stories of addicts to achohol or cigarettes, how they change and overcome, but the moment they get around the temptation or think of it, they have to really fight, and this is no different!

Because I have allowed myself to become ensared in this deadly and trapping sin, I will now suffer and have to fight the rest of my life, but PRAISE JEHOVAH I don’t have to go it alone (Phil. 4:13).

I believe that there are more who struggle this way, and who just keep it “underwraps” as I have and still often do. May I encourage you to reach out and get help! This is honestly a deadly and ensaring sin. It is scary and it will drive you far away from your Savior (I know from experience, I no longer hear His voice as clearly as I used to…and it has affected my relationships with others as well.)

This is not something to “mess around with.” It is not just a little thorn in the side, it is a HUGE thorny bush that traps and squeezes all spiritual life out of you!

I know what I have to do, I must let go of my gods ( running, a skinny body) and begin to find a balance between eating right and running. I must depend upon God and allow Him to change me. I must see running as a gift, that could easily be taken away, and not hold it tight, but rather be thankful to God when He allows me to go! Not have it be a “must do or else..” thing!

 I must surrender…this is a moment to moment thing! Believe me! I have a long road to haul! But praise Jehovah He is there every step of the way!

Maybe you don’t struggle this way, be watching out for those around you that might. It is a slow fade, this doesn’t just happen overnight, it happens over time. Look out for your brothers and sisters around you. It may only take a simple word (such as the example of June, a lady in my church, in my note entitled “still small voice.”).

Or maybe it will take an outright rebuke that cuts to the quick (examples of this would be my sweet and ever paitent  boyfriend Joshy, who faithfully reflects his Shepherd to this His lost sheep. And also Mrs. Gutwein as well and Lynnae, and also my parents and even my brother Joe and sister Krista). All  of them did not give me “Pat answers” or the “I feel so bad for you” line, or even the “just quit running and eat right why don’t ya” line, but rather they paitently got to the heart of the issue!

Thankyou to the three of you and the countless others I know I am probably missing. I know that I must frustrate you all, when I don’t change, and when I am so up and down. And I know that with some of you I have even blameshifted, changed the subject, or gotten upset, or just plain old shrugged your advice and admonition off. Forgive me!

 I set a horrible example for my siblings and church family and really anyone I come into contact with, and I know I need to change! I wrote this to help others see that perhaps this is more common place then we most often think!

And maybe you don’t struggle with this particular ensnaring sin, but something similar, may I again encourage you to reach out to someone! But most importantly reach out to God!

Don’t deny that you are in a war! Don’t live as if it is taking place “overseas” out of sight, out of mind. But rather take up your arms! Realize it is on your own property, before your eyes! And engage yourself! Don’t become like me:

On the outside, she looks totally fine. She was saved at a young age, and baptized. She was known for being a witness for Christ growing up. She attends church regularly, accept for every other weekend, which is when she goes and takes care of an elderly couple in their 80s. But even then she is still serving. She attends a Bible college, in her S.R. year in fact! She has served at two Bible camps, and once even as a counselor. She has taken many counseling classes, and studies her Bible daily, prays and strives to grow closer to God. She writes frequently about God and our relationship to Him.

All is well right? WRONG!

There is a terrible battle that is raging without her and within! And to the untrained eye, she seems totally fine.

She may have most everything right, but there is something gone terribly wrong, that is missed. It is that unseen war, out of her sight…out of her mind, and out of the sight and minds of those around her.

1 Peter 5:8

“Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.”

Eph. 6:11-12

“Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devilFor we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.”

Don’t be oblivious! Know your in a battle, ready yourself! It’s here whether you acknowledge it or not!