Spiritual Counterfeits (part 2)

I have always been known in my family for my stubbornness/tenaciousness. Wound up within my heart is an energy that is fierce and ready to stand against whatever gets in my way, no matter the cost. The sheen in my eye, the curled lip, I won’t give in. At two it took the form of not giving in when mom and dad told me for the umpteenth time not to tease Krista. At five it took the form of not wanting to wear the new shoes mom bought me. As a teenager it looked like me rebelling against my parents and not heeding their warnings about the young man I was dating that I should not have been. As a college student it looked like me being unwilling to surrender to marriage, “I will never marry!” Oh how I digged in…how I wanted my way. How I manipulated and stood my ground. And the list goes on and on and on!

That was what my stubbornness looked like. That is when I’m living for self. But when turned around that stubbornness could be tenaciousness, could be useful. At two it could look like me wanting to stack the blocks and not giving up till they were stacked just as they were supposed to be. At five it looked like me witnessing to the new kids I met…making sure everyone knew about Jesus.  As a teenager it could look like me sticking to my decision to honor my parents and break off the wrong relationship with that young man.

I tell people all the time that I was my parent’s hardest child to handle, and my parents would say the exact same! It’s true I have grown over time, but it has been very evident this summer that I still have a LONG ways to go!

 

I could feel it. I knew God was trying to get a hold of my heart in the area of my eating disorder, but I wouldn’t give in! I wasn’t ready. Sure I was praying about it everyday, begging God to change my heart and mind about it. I begged Him to change me from the inside out. But really I still wasn’t ready.

I dug my heels in. I had just graduated college in May, and was looking forward to a wedding, but first I had to survive ten weeks of serving the Lord at IRBC as a cook. I knew that I was struggling, and felt so inadequate to serve the Lord in such a position, such a low spiritual state. But no one will know right? No one will find this out…no one will even be able to tell.  Besides you need to lose weight for this wedding…you have gotten HUGE lately, I mean just look at yourself.”

“I hate how I feel so fat….something has to change. I know I can lose lots of weight while I work at camp! Working long hours in the heat and running everyday. Things will get better! No one will know. Sure mom has warned you not to lose weight while at camp…but she wont be up there all the time…this should work.”

“No…No Bethany! People will know! People will find out…you need to heed your mom’s warning! There is so much at stake! Purpose in your mind now to change, to stand strong and to grow at camp and not fall back into your sin. Stand strong!”

 

Oh the battle that was raging for my heart ever since I was sixteen. Satan knows my struggle well, he knows how easy it is to trip me up. Oh how I fight, how I struggle…and it seems that a lot of the time he wins battle after battle. But I know that God is an awesome and loving and gracious God, and no matter how many battles Satan wins, God will win the war, and that’s all that matters!

 

It was Sr. high camp now…I had made it thru most the whole summer as a cook at IRBC. I thought I was “getting away” with my little secret…but people knew…God wouldn’t let me hide (praise Him). I remembered the verse “be sure your sin will find you out.” How true that was!

“You are so skinny!”… “Have you lost weight?”… “That’s all your eating?”… “you can’t run in this heat!”… These comments were made by many people. Each was a warning directly from God. Unbenounced to the people whose lips passed these questions at me, God was using every single one of them!

And is’nt that just like Him? Have you ever noticed how in scripture when someone disobeyed Him, how He always asked them questions…graciously giving them a chance to speak truth and come to Him in repentance and be restored though they do not deserve it. Some examples would be Adam and Eve, Cain, and countless others. That is just God’s way though, it is not a wonder at all that the scriptures refer to our God as a God of grace and mercy! He never lets any sheep of His to stray long!

 

These questions kept coming at me all summer long. I avoided them seemingly easily, with excuses and glossing over the issue or worse lying about it. I wanted to stay in the dark…but God kept turning on the flood lights! I couldn’t hide long.

 

As I said it was Sr high camp now.  One of the biggest and hardest weeks of our entire summer. Serving close to 600 at every meal, staying up a little later, and working harder. It was the big push to keep going!

But oh how the Lord always seems to do a mighty work this week. If you asked us as a staff, we wouldn’t trade any hardship or trial of Sr. High camp for the great work that God does in the hearts and lives of all those teens. While it is exhausting it is also encouraging and uplifting!

 

There I was, trying to hide…quenching the spirit time after time. I knew God was on my tail…He wouldn’t give up. Every sermon…every devotional that I had heard and read this summer all seemed to shine the light even brighter on my sin of an eating disorder.

I was beginning to get tired of hiding…beginning to break down and see my need for a change…see my need to come back to the One true God and forsake the idols I had stuck up. They were not delivering…I still felt empty...longing for more. I also knew I was getting dangerously thin...and I needed to be rescued and set free from the Lord.

 

What do you think happened next? Let me guess you think that I heard a sermon that just leveled me. Exposed and enlightened me like never before..right? Wrong! He actually used His Word (sermons and devotionals all along the whole summer) but the thing that was the “final straw” was God using the song service and the choir’s song to get a hold of my heart.

 

Never in my life has the Lord used that as He did that day. The song leader at Sr/ High camp does a wonderful job every year at putting songs together. Tim Jones is his name. And I always thought that putting together a song service would be a “piece of cake.” Right? You just pick out a few songs, line up a pianist and put together a choir piece. Wrong! Not for Mr. Jones. This past year I learned that he stays up late into the night praying and pouring over the prep of the song services for the next day.

 

God used the message of the songs that night to finish the work He had started in me at the beginning of the summer. He helped me to see my selfishness for what it was…helped me to remember that I had been bought at a price (the life of His One and Only Son Jesus Christ). And helped me to realize my need to surrender to Him.

 

I usually try not to cry in front of people and usually do a pretty good job of that…but I broke down right there in my pew amidst a sea of sr. highers. I cried out to the Lord and surrendered in that moment before the service even really started.

 

Now, it’s true I surrendered in that moment…but as I saw in the following days (and even now) it really is often a moment to moment surrender. The battles still rage…I still struggle. But the amazing thing is God sent me accountability (the other cooks as I was able to confess to them and enlist their help)…Lynnae also stepped in and we had some good discussions about it…my mom was the most help checking with me daily…and of course Joshy has been used by God as well J.

 

The battles are far from over…they will rage until I am finally set free from this body and forever sanctified and join my Savior in heaven (whether by death or rapture..MARANATHA!).

 

It’s a daily struggle…I stumble a lot, but the amazing and most wonderful thing is: I have seen first hand the kind of gracious God we serve! I didn’t just read about His grace, I have SEEN it first hand!

Also how wonderful to know that when I surrender to Him, He has the power to take my ugly stubborness and turn it into tenaciousness to be used for His passion and purpose!
How AMAZING is our GOD?? He can take sin and turn it inside out and use it for His glory!
May I allign myself under Him and forsake the counterfeits of Satan...they never work and their end is devastation and destruction!

 

Friends,  I pray that you know today beyond a shadow of a doubt that God always seeks that which is lost (Luke 15). If you, like me, are lost/were lost may you come to Him! Whether that be the first time for Salvation from your sin and sinful self, or once again because you are saved but you (like me) have wandered. I pray that if you need more help or if you have questions that you reach out to God first and foremost in prayer, but then also to the Christians around you, or even myself! I am here, no question is a dumb one...no need to feel shame...I am a sinner same as you! So please reach out and get the help if you need it!

 

From one wandering sheep to the others out there, may you come to the fold of our wonderful and loving Shepherd!!