"That I may declare all your works!" Ps. 73:28

Phew! That was a whirlwind! There I was running around all week, here…there…everywhere to prepare for Krista’s (sister’s) wedding! It was craziness all over the place! And emotions ran high the week before the wedding…for things would never ever be the same again!

On that cloudy day that broke and gave way to a warm sunshiny Saturday, I said “goodbye” to my sister. For she left for Kentucky, probably not to be seen again till Christmas. I said “goodbye” to our late night talks, for where once she confided in me…told me everything…she would now do that with her husband (and rightly so I might add!).

I said “goodbye” to sharing a room with her…to waking her very loudly and rudely in the morning…I said “goodbye” to all the teasing…all the movie nights…all the walks to and from work…all the river times. That day many things came to an end…and many wonderful things began for my sister.

I would love to say that..that day I stayed strong…that not a tear came to my eye…but then I would be lying! God has been so good to me…so merciful…so gracious…words cannot express how good the Heavenly Father and Creator has been to this lowly prodigal! He has given me wonderful parents and a very very close knit family…

As my father and mother took their places next to Krista before the preacher (John Murray) and more importantly before God, they were asked “who gives this woman to this man?” and my earthly father, the one who raised Krista…who raised me…who taught us…disciplined..loved…cared…and provided for us…there he stood, where he knew he might one day stand…and he said those wonderful words that come from with sadness and yet a tinge of joy: “Her mother and I.”

The sadness…because all his work as a protector is done…for Krista with those words and the ceremony to follow passed from him and his guardianship to Caleb’s.

Joy because of the work that God did through him toward Krista. A sense of satisfaction perhaps…a mere hint of “It is finished” (Said by Christ on the cross.)

As he said “her mother and I.” I could see the tears form in my mother’s eyes…I could see the shere force that dad was trying to conjure up (much like I would do in the next few moments) so as not to cry…and that was all I could take…it hit me in that moment just what was happening…a very solemn and very joyful and sad time all wrapped into one moment. And tears stung my eyes…but I fought against that and swallowed hard past the lump in my throat.

This was serious…this was it! All those times she had pretended to “get married” all that planning…all that work…all that training…and now the little bird was passing out from underneath of her parents wings…out into the wide world to join her love in the sky and fly underneath of him. And as I sat, still in the nest…watching my parents sadness…I knew that one day my time too would come…whether I marry or not..there will come a time when I too must leave the nest. And it twill be the same thing over again only this time it will be me…not my sister!

So that day was CRAZY! I felt like my face would fall apart from smiling for so many pictures…that my heart would break with all the emotions running at the same time. But after the party died and we cleaned up and left for home…my thoughts turned rather quickly from the wedding to the summer lying ahead of me.

For the very next day I was scheduled to be at camp as a counselor for the rest of the summer (RRBC). And how my heart ached…I did not want to go!

I was just coming off of wedding craziness and did not realize how much that would wear on my…I was so loving just being home…with all the freedom…with my new puppy Jack…and I had just barely begun my relationship with Joshy and now would have to say farewell until six weeks was up!

Sunday morning came and a lump built in my throat! I did not want to go…|”Father is there anyway I could stay home? I know I said I would serve you at this camp…that I would follow you..but I am so scared! So alone! I just don’t want to go!”

But God had a plan (when does He ever not??!!). I came so close to crying that day so many times…but I also felt that much closer to God! For here I was coming off of a crazy week…headed to a camp I had never been to in my whole life…to be in charge of girls that I had never even met…expected to lead them spiritually…I was so afraid…but you see that was just what I needed to pull me closer to God!

I was now having to depend upon Him alone (something that does not come easy at home where pretty much everything is easy going).

But to be honest looking back at this first week of camp I can see the hand of God EVERYWHERE!

HE IS AMAZING! And AWESOME I LOVE HIM!

He orchestrated it so that I had seven girls, all of whom had been to the camp before…and boy was I gonna learn humility! For I knew nothing about the camp…and was constantly having to ask questions and getting help from of all people:  my girls! I mean here I was a 21 year old counselor who is supposed to know everything asking these 10 year old to 12 year old girls questions about what I was supposed to be doing!

But that is exactly what I needed for I struggle with pride!

These girls were so wonderful…so sweet and so polite they always answered all of my qs never really treating me as dumb… they also obeyed very well and got along together so well!

God was definitely in everything (when is He ever not??!!). Like my dad says it, if you are looking for Him, you WILL find HIM! And how wonderful!

Before I went to camp I was feeling apathetic…outside I strove hard for God…kept pursuing Him…but inside I did not feel Him…did not feel anything hardly…but it is in those times that we continue to fight continue to pursue regardless of feeling! For it is in those times that one grows the most!

Anyway, the first night we had to go to the cellar for a tornado, and how wonderful Gods protection was in that! And how great to see the girls go from fearing the storm to praising God in song as we lead them in singing! It was truly amazing!

(Sorry folks this note is going to be very disorganized…I have much to tell of what God did and is doing …it is just disorganized and for that I apologize).

Another amazing thing was how God always gave me the words to say during our Bible study times! In the morning and evenings I was responsible for leading my girls in a Bible study. The morning consisted of “Keys for Kids” devotional (what was given to us to do.) But instead of just reading the passage and the story, afterwards God always brought an illustration to mind from my own childhood, or just some extra information or insight that went right along with the passage and story.

I tell you it was amazing to watch the light come on for these girls at some of the more “simple” truths (in our eyes of course), and to have my own heart convicted along with them! It was amazing to see God do a work through me…and not for my glory so I could tout and brag but for His! It was also wonderful to learn where each of the girls was spiritually and to help them along and grow closer to them!

But probably one of the most amazing things was the day we learned about forgiveness.

It was Thursday or Wednesday (cant rememeber), but the morning devo was on forgiveness, and how we need to forgive others, and so afterwards I shared with them how when I was younger I believed that forgiveness was linked with your emotions. So that I would never forgive a person until I “felt” like it.

Which I told them, I learned was FAR from the truth! It was a lie Satan had used against me and won! How sneaky! It sounded so right…yet was so wrong! A lie is believed not because it’s believability is high, but because we want it to be true!

You see in this case of forgiveness…I would rather have it be a feeling! We all would if we admit it, for we would NEVER (or at least very rarely have to) forgive anyone…and when we did it would be SO EASY! If we only had to forgive when we felt like it then things would so easy! For forgiving when we feel like requires nothing on our part because we “felt” like it! WE put WAY too much stock in our feelings now days!

Real worship, real JOY, REAL LOVE, REAL KINDNESS, REAL MERCY, REAL GRACE, REAL SELFLESSNESS, REAL SERVANTHOOD, is when they are all done when WE DON’T even FEEL like doing them!

That’s the real thing folks! No doubt about it! Perhaps then the saved depressed people are the real worshippers out of us all! For they don’t ever do things because they “feel” they do things INSPITE of not feeling like doing it!

I told God just today while I was swinging in the rain: “God I feel so far away from you right now…I don’t FEEL anything for anyone or anything on the inside! But I won’t stop trying to love…trying to sing…trying to worship…pursueing you is not something I am going to stop just because I don’t “FEEL” you anymore…rather I will continue to serve inspite of it all!”

And that’s exactly what He requires! And so after that rabbit trail, I want to say that forgivenss is not a feeling! And I made absolutely sure to share this with my girls and made that clear. I then proceeded to share that forgiveness very simply was a promise…

A promise to never bring up the offense of another to the offender…to others...or even to yourself. And I shared some illustrations of each. At the end I was satisfied that they all understood that forgiveness was a promise.

So as we went about our activities that day…in my heart the Holy Spirit began tuggin ever so slightly about my unforgiving heart toward someone who has hurt me. And I knew that the bitterness had taken root…oh I had forgiven on the outside…to a point…but I had not fulfilled the promise to not bring it up to others (gossip) and I brought it up to myself quite a bit as well. But I was not ready to let go.

As I sat there in the front row with my girls, I passed out our notes for the evening service, and upon opening my own copy I could see that Pastor Charles Alber was going to speak on forgivenss…I chuckled to myself: “God you sure do plan things and orchestrate them well for this wandering and prodigal sheep!” But then another thought came “Ah, I know all there is to know about this forgiveness things…nothing new here…”

But as I sat there and listened intently to Pastor Alber…slowly the Spirit did work on my heart. And something that God shared through Pastor Alber that night struck me deep.

Oh as I said before I knew that forgiveness was a promise not to bring up the offense to the offender…nor to others…nor to yourself…and I of course knew I was guilty when it came to this particular person.

But God shared that night through Pastor Alber this very simple yet profound thought:

“You know that if ____ went to Jesus tonight and repented and asked forgiveness of ____ that God would forgive ____ right away…so do you think you are better than God? For you won’t even forgive ____ for doing ___”

“Bethy my daughter…you know full well that if ____ came to me I would forgive…you have been living as if you are better than I…higher than I! My daughter you are following in the footsteps of my enemy…my creation who turned on me! Please my daughter don’t you turn yourself as he (the devil) has! Forgive ____ LET IT GO! That is what forgiveness literally means! Just LET IT GO! Stop talking about it to others…but esp. to yourself! Move on my daughter! Free yourself from these nasty chains! Let me take control! I love you come back my dear and lost sheep!”

I knew what I needed to do…so as I stood in the back of the chapel waiting to help any of my girls for a lack of forgiveness…I took care in my own heart…my unforgiveness.

That night in evening devos, one of the girls shared her testimony (as was our custom). And after that made a nice transition into talking about the evening service…and once again I had to swallow my pride and tell them of my conviction. I admitted to them that I had been struggling with unforgiveness toward someone…they asked who (curious girls you know) but I did not tell them…I just explained that I had been wrong and that I was going to strive to change!

You see how God has been at work! He knew I needed those specific seven girls! He knew I needed those devos and those messages! He is amazing and such a loving and forgiving God, NOTHING CAN COMPARE!

I pray that you will find Him at work in your life as well! I pray that you too will keep striving for Him even when you do not feel like it! I hope that you too will learn forgiveness! It is a daily battle…sometimes an even moment to moment battle and promise! Keep making those promises! How odd it has been to know that when I should have been leading I was learning! They say that one learns when he teaches and I have found that to be so true!

Thankyou for all the prayers! I knew there were people praying for me this first week! And How HE HAS ANSWERED!

Again I apologize for how unorganized this has all been!

I look greatly forward to what He will do the rest of this summer, I have no idea what He has in store but oh how wonderful and good He is, I know it will be what is best for me!

Losing your marbles!

This was the maid of honor speech that I read at my sister's reception after her wedding! I was told it was hard to hear what I was saying...so for those who did not hear well here you are:

My dear sister,

WOW! It is hard to believe that this day is finally here! After spending our childhood days, in the basements of all the different houses we lived in, playing house, now is the time when you begin to actually live “house.” No longer will I hear “Bethany let’s go play house!” No now I will hear “Bethany, you will never believe what we are doing at my house? OR “Get a load of this recent story about my kids.”

The things we played in pretend will now be lived out in reality by you. Gone are the plastic babies who we had to make cry, here will now be the real live thing in the flesh crying and screaming for your attention! Gone are the plastic bottles with fake juice, here and now there will be sippy cups with actual juice that can actually be spilled all over that brand new carpet!  Gone are the empty diapers that we envisioned had “messes” in them, now for the real mess! Those were some fun times Sis, and it is sad to leave them, but at the same time how exciting as we anticipate the future!

You were always the “guinea pig” being the eldest. And I grew up watching you. Sometimes learning from your mistakes, and sometimes making the exact same ones.

When we were younger you were always the “good girl” and I the evil tyrant, cheese you made me look bad! At times we got along famously…other times not so much.

Like the time you got marbles, and I felt that I should have some. There we sat innocently in the back seat. I in my car seat and you in yours. I could not get my eye off of those marbles, I wanted them something fierce! And as I watched them in your hand an idea sparked in my head. Now if I just took them, you would cry out, so I first knew that I had to ask you for them, thus you would be willingly handing them over, thus the crying out would be easily bypassed. But there existed another problem. The issue of the fact that eventually you would want them back.

This I would bypass as well and with great ease mind you! So I proceeded with my devious plan. I asked you for them, and you with your huge blue eyes and sweet spirit (Gullible *cough cough) kindly handed them over to what you thought was simply your curious little sister. Now our car seats were only close enough for you to hand them off, not close enough for you to retaliate and try to get them back should anything run amuck, which indeed it would!

Upon receiving them I began dropping them one by one out the window that was cracked because it was summer. And there on the little stretch of highway in Iowa your marbles were lost! I mean that in a literal not mental sense! Although the latter is at times debatable! Just kidding! LOL!

Anyways you may ask “why Bethany, why did you not just dump them all out at once…and why did you dump them out when you really liked them and wanted them in the first place?” Well in answer to the first I dumped them out one by one because I wanted it to be slow and drawn out, so that you would scream all the longer, and in answer to the second, I knew that if I tried to keep the marbles our parents would eventually return them to you, so in the end if I could not have ain’t no body gonna have em!

Now I was only around one or two at the time so of course I don’t remember actually doing this, I have just heard the story told and retold. But I want everyone to know that I regret what I did and wanted to pay my dues, and so here are two marble bags, I am paying back two-fold for what I stole, one for you Krista and one for you Caleb.

(Give them marbles) Here sister, and brother! And I swear I won’t take them this time!

Oh Krista, could I just see those for a second??? HAHA just checking to see if you would fall for it again jj jk!

Anyways in everything at the end of the day I could always count on you to listen and to share.

Being only two years apart, to a point I looked up to you but for the most part I saw you as my peer, as my friend, and a best friend at that! We were always close growing up and I believe that is due to our parents always telling us “You are each others best friends” and over time that became true!

I am so proud of you Krista and I love you! You have found a wonderful man in Caleb. I know that he will always take good care of you. In God’s sovereignty He made us sisters and now in His sovereignty He has allowed you to find a husband and to go on. But this is not the end Krista it is just another chapter! How good this past chapter has been, but we must press on and keep going forward! I look forward to the things God has in store for you both!

I pray for you both everyday and will continue to! I know that God will continue to bless you as you surrender to Him!

I love you Krista!