Having a baby changes everything??

You have probably heard this, but I have learned first handwhat people mean by when they say that having a baby and raising a childCHANGES so many things! From our schedule, to our finances, to what we reallycare about anymore, to what we think about (I worry about her constantly…I meanI worry about things I never even knew existed!). It changes so much! Having achild also has changed even what we do and or say. Things have changed so muchsince bringing home our little Miriam.

But among the changes some things unfortunately remain thesame. One of those being my struggle with an eating disorder.

Here I was thinking “man I’ve pretty much got this thing!” Imean after all being pregnant and having a child changed things.

 I got better on theoutside, but only because I had to! I changed outwardly for fear of losing herthru miscarriage (when I was pregnant) or now for fear of my milk supply going toofar down or her not getting enough high calorie milk from me. Outwardly I puton weight; I didn’t run anymore (during pregnancy). I looked like I was doingbetter.

 But God has showed methis past week that I am still struggling with this in my heart.

My devotions have been in Matthew lately, and God has beenreminding me of the importance of honoring Him with my heart (inward man), notjust my lips (outward man), He has been reminding me of the need to not justsay “I’m going to change” or even have the outward actions of change (eatingmore, exercising less, for the sake of the Baby and my milk supply). But ratherthat my desires need to change as well!

God brought all this to a head this past Sunday morning.Josh preached on the passage of the Israelites and Aaron building a calf andworshipping it, whilst Moses was on the mount worshiping the One True God. Whata stark contrast that is! And all of us are there! We are either on themountaintop worshipping the One true God or we are wallowing in the valleyworshipping a false god. I was convicted right there that I needed to let go ofmy god…my eating disorder.

I begged God to change my passions, to ruin me for any otherpassion than a passion for Him alone.

Little did I know that God would challenge that very prayer!Be careful that you mean what you pray when you pray it! Weigh the cost andmake sure you mean it, because chances are God will challenge your prayer andif you really meant it!

 Later that afternoonI went for a run. I’ve been running for two weeks now, it has been six weekssince Miriam’s birth. I had some pain after her birth, but it subsided and thusI started running again. But Sunday suddenly that very same pain came back. Iwent to the doctor for my six week check the next day and she had no clue as towhat my pain could be about.

Thus I was left with pain and no answers as to what or why.I have been forced to walk instead of run and even walking is painful and Istart limping after a while. At first I was like “well it should go awayeventually.” I tried to stay positive. But as with all ladies my mind went tothe worse case scenario…what if I can’t ever run again?!!!???! What if this ismy new normal??

 I CANT HAVE THIS! Butwhat if God said “You will have this Bethany!”I always wondered why God didn’t take away my god by paralyzing me so that Icouldn’t run or doing something to me that rendered me useless to running.Maybe He now has!

 I LOVE RUNNING A LOT!Running is not bad, it is a good exercise, a great stress reliever and a chanceto enjoy God’s creation, both nature and also how He designed the body to beable to do such a thing: RUN! But this has become my god.

Thru this pain returning God has forced me to see and choosethe more important things. He has showed me that being thin and fit is my god.Every “god” has commands. Things we must follow. In God’s case we really mustfollow those commands….in the case of our smaller case g gods we don’t have toactually follow those commands…we just tell ourselves that we have to. My godis staying fit and being thin, thus my gods commands are “you MUST run (orexercise someway somehow) EVERYDAY!”

I’m driven by that, and when I don’t fulfill that for anyreason I feel as though I have sinned. But that is just a feeling! We have beenreading a book in our ladies bible study at my church entitled “the lies womenbelieve.” In this book the author explains that just because we “feel”something doesn’t make it true. We all know this….believe this…but I struggleliving it! I feel something or don’t feel something and act on it. Sometimes weare required to do something or not do something even when we don’t “feel” likeit! Our feelings do not actually always follow the truth! Sometimes we have todo the truth going against out feelings and perhaps later on our feelings willeventually align to the truth…but even if they never do, we still are requiredto follow the truth no matter how we feel.

This is what Im having to do. I feel like I MUST run…I feellike if this pain lasts forever and I never am able to run again I will FALLAPART. That is ridiculous and selfish and prideful, that’s where I am atemotionally! But the truth is what Im choosing to go with!

I don’t have to run! If I GET to run than I thank God! If Idon’t, I still thank God and trust Him. If this pain does not ever go away, ISTILL THANK GOD! I still trust Him, and walk in obedience and change. Do I feelthese things?  Nope my feelings arescreaming something totally different…but I am striving not to listen!

Yesterday, I was allowing my feelings to get the better ofme…and I was ranting to Josh. Saying I don’t know what I will do if I never runagain. Josh turned to me and said, well you have Miriam. What would you have,running or Miriam?. That stopped me! Emotionally it didn’t stop me…emotionallyI was like “I want to run!” But the truth of that question, the truth of whatreally is more important, was what stopped me.

 Martha and Mary hadtwo very different choices. Martha chose the temporary, Mary the eternal. AndChrist said Mary had chosen the greater part. Daily I ask that God show me whatmy “better part” is for the day. I pray that and sometimes totally miss my“better part.” But God used Josh that day that I was ranting to help me to seethe better part.

Running is good, it does profit for this earth, butSpiritual things profit so much the more and that for here on earth andETERNITY! Some say that our children will be our greatest disciples. Thus thatwould be a spiritual thing that I need to work on. When I get to heaven Godisn’t going to be concerned with if I ran everyday and stayed fit and thin, Hewill care though how I raised my little girl and if I discipled her towardsHimself. My “better part” is NOT running, it is RAISING this little arrow Hegave to me so that she can later be used of Him!

Having Miriam is a gift beyond compare! I may never runagain because I bore a sweet little girl, but that is okay, because my lifeisn’t about me! It IS about Him! His will was that I bear Marybeth, and thatmight come at the cost of my running self, but that is what HE WANTED!

Again I say having a child CHANGES many things, but GODCHANGES EVERYTHING! Sure I should change in my eating disorder for Miriam, butI must change for GOD!

I do not want what Jesus said of the Pharisees to be true ofme:

“Hypocrites! Isaiah prophesied correctly of you when he said‘this people honors me with their lips, but their heart is far from me, andthey worship me in vain, teaching as doctrines the commandments of men.”Matthew 15:7-9

 It is NO coincidencethat God had me in this very passage for devotions the morning following Josh’spreaching on the golden calf. I cannot teach Miriam that running is moreimportant than God by the way I live my life. I cannot teach her that thedoctrine of  needing to run everyday is acommand to be followed. I also cannot just honor God with my lips, I cant justpray and say and ask that I will change, I actually have to step forward(forsaking feeling) and CHANGE!

You think God is trying to drive something home with me? I know HE IS! He wantsme totally devoted to Him, forsaking all else. It is high time for me tosurrender once again. I have a feeling that perhaps this will be a lifelongstruggle. This cant be a one time thing, it is a constant moment to momentsurrender!

 Sure I surrenderedfrom this sin many times (at camp, at home, at church…the list goes on). But ithas to be a daily thing! Christ knew the truth in this being a daily thing whenHe said that we must DAILY take up our cross, deny ourselves and choose tofollow God! He created us, so of course HE KNOWS us better than we know ourselves.He knows it has to be daily! So may I keep surrendering. May I live my life sothat I point Marybeth away from this sin that I never want her to fall into,may I point her to Christ the One Who sets us free!

Rose amongst the thorns

Shortly after coming home with Marybeth I was beginning toenjoy feeding her, even though it did take a lot of work to keep her awake andkeep her drinking and latched on. My alarm would go off in the wee hours of themorning. Though I was exhausted from doing one of the hardest things I’ve everdone (delivering a baby) I had to wake up, had to keep going. No more sleepingall night long, now I would sleep for two and a half hours at a time (herfeedings when we first brought her home took an hour) and then back up again todrag my tired self out of bed.

  My hubby would befound in deep slumber, I would be found lumbering out of my warm cozy bed, andwandering through my house to go and wake one sweet and warm little babe tofeed and nourish her. I was striving to keep two people awake! Not only thebaby but also MYSELF!

But somehow, even in the midst of difficulties, God makes itALL worth every minute!

I’m thoroughly convinced that every trial, every difficulty,God seasons with grace and mercy! Think about it….pain and difficulty in laboris a punishment for Eve’s disobedience and it has fallen upon every mothersince the first one. That is God’s justice, we deserve that. But PRAISE HIMthat He also has GRACE and MERCY!

His mercy: think about it…labor though hard, could be worse!After all we actually deserve worse!

His GRACE: think about it….WE GET A BABY OUT OF THE WHOLEDEAL! If that is not GRACE than what is??!!

I didn’t experience too bad of morning sickness whilepregnant but I have friends who do, and they all say it is worth every minute!Every minute is worth it because one day they know they will hold that preciousbabe that caused all that sickness and in that moment they won’t even rememberall that sickness anyway. Heaven will be like this for everyone! All our painand hardships will be but a blip on the radar compared to being with Godforever!

Pregnancy is not an easy thing, from morning sickness…toback pain or pinched nerve pain…to just carrying around all that extra weight…to swelling ankles… to stretch marks… to a totally changed figure…to just beingplain uncomfortable much of the time (towards the end of the pregnancy… It isjust plain difficult!

The same is true of labor, only I believe it is harder thanthe pregnancy itself lol!

 Oh man is it hard! I won’tlie about that, but it is all worth it when the doctor holds that crying babyup and hands her to you to snuggle and hold for the first time! Nothing cancompare! This is grace in the midst of His justice!

He made labor worth it! Worth every pain filled second!

It is worth it we say for those mother’s whose babies makeit, but what about those mothers who endure the morning sickness, and sometimeseven the labor, only to have a stillborn child or a miscarriage. Is it worth itthen? What about them?

I can’t imagine going through all that difficulty, all thehardship of pregnancy and labor only to lose that precious gift from heaven.But some friends of mine have had to walk through this. I don’t care if it wasa miscarriage or a still birth, losing a child (that is what they are!) losingthat precious life is never easy! My own mom lost her precious gift.

I recall the day. Mom told Krista and Joe and I that wecould come to the doctor’s visit and hear the heart beat. So that is what wedid. I was only like eight or nine or so. I was so excited; after all thiswould be my first time hearing a baby’s heart beat (I wasn’t old enough whenJoe was born).

  I remember we were listening andlistening….the nurse moved the Doppler along...my young ears strained to hearthat heart beat. But there was nothing. You could have heard a pin drop in thatroom.  Our little baby boy had gotten thecord wrapped around his neck and he had passed away sometime before that day.My mom would now have to deliver a dead son.  We named him Joshua. He was only sixteen weeksold. He would be seventeen now if he had lived. But that was not God’s will forJoshua. God wanted Joshua to live a short time in the womb, and then He wantedJoshua back in heaven with Him.

My mom went through the struggles of pregnancy…and thenlabored to deliver his little body, only to have nothing to hold. No baby tonourish… no baby to lay in the crib. Was it worth it?

YES! She would tell you this! EVERY hard thing GOD MAKES WORTHIT!

We all grew in that (still are!).

 And my mom has beenable to “comfort others also, with the comfort that she received from God.”(Emphasis added).

You see it is all in perspective! My mom has said time andagain that she is thankful! Thankful for losing Joshua? Why? HOW? Our feelingsscream that this is so false…so wrong…but the truth which sets us free says yesit is true!

She can be thankful because she has it in perspective! Shehas told me time and again that she will never have to worry about Joshua notaccepting Christ as his Savior, or of Joshua walking away from the Lord becauseJOSHUA is ALREADY WITH HIM! These are worries that she has about all her livingchildren, but she will never have for Joshua!

All in perspective! She found the rose in the thorns.

The Olympics have finally finished out, and perhaps youenjoyed them, perhaps you really do not care and are maybe tired of hearingabout it lol! Josh and I watched them pretty much every night! In fact I’mpretty sure Miriam is going to recognize the music scheme to the Olympics foryears to come lol!

This year they did some really cool things. One of which wasto allow us to hear from the Olympians parents. The sacrifices they have made,the love and encouragement that helped to bring the athlete to Olympicmaterial. I enjoyed those featurettes (or whatever you would call it). I likedwatching the home videos of the athletes, watching how their moms were behindthem and helped them.

But one mother in particular stood out to me. She is the momof skier ( don’t recall her last name, I believer her first name is Sarah??) wholost her life when she hit her head during a ski run. This mom had the rightperspective. She said something along the lines of “I was upset about losing mydaughter…but then I remembered how blessed I was for ever having known her!”Instead of getting angry over losing her, she instead was glad that she evergot to know her daughter! She chose to focus on what she had, versus what shehad lost! WHAT a perspective! What grace in the midst of trial and grief!

What a rose amongst the thorns of life!

I was feeding my dear Marybeth, rocking back and forth justfocused on the task at hand, lost in thought and prayers. I remember thinkingto myself many times that day “I wonder if Gina has had her little guy yet?” Imean after all she was technically due to have her little guy before even myMiriam was supposed to enter this world. Having no internet at home and havingjust had Miriam, I was kind of shut off from the world so to speak. I couldn’twait till a church day when I could finally check facebook and see if she hadhim yet or not! I was SO excited! Couldn’t wait to find out what his name was,how big he was, and to see pictures. You see Gina and I worked together at campin the kitchen. And when we figured out we were pregnant around the same timeit was a neat thing. I remember back to family camp five. Her baby bump wasalready developing and mine was just starting. We shared a hug and talked aboutwhat we thought we were having.

I also remember when she made her announcement on facebookthat she was pregnant. I at that time knew I was pregnant as well and so achedto tell her and everyone else, but we were waiting until after our firstdoctor’s appointment just to be sure.

I  also rememberbeginning to pray daily for my little one, and I would always include Gina’s aswell, seeing as we were due only about a month apart.

Whenever she would post something on facebook about amilestone in her pregnancy, I would always know that in a short while I wouldalso hit that milestone. It was neat to have her “go on before.”

But for the births of our little ones, God had differentplans. Miriam came early.

 I had thought that mywater was leaking, and so they tested me. Two tests came positive, and onenegative. The doctor decided to induce, because if my water was truly leakingand if they did nothing we would have lost Miriam (bacteria would get into thesac and would get to her). But if they induced me and she was 3 weeks early,they said she would probably have to go to the NICU. Fear struck my heart, butit was our only option. It was either sure death (going home without doinganything) or being induced and possibly having her in the NICU. So we followedthe best option we could and decided to induce.

They induced me at 7:10pmon January the 14^th, she was born a short time later at 8:43. When they induced I was dilated only at a3…I jumped to 10 that fast! I kept telling the nurses that I felt I had topush…and they said everyone feels like that and I was supposed to just breathe.They were waiting for my contractions to get more consistent. So I was like“okay, Ill just breathe.”

I stayed as quiet as I could, but shortly it got to thepoint where I felt I couldn’t hold it anymore. Then all the sudden without anyeffort on my part, my body began to push Miriam out on its own accord. Ifreaked of course and was like “You nurses may want to check this out.”

They checked and to their shock and mine, they saw her headalready! They told me to hold on for the doctor (why they say to do that…it’sNOT possible to hold on when you are at this point!lol!). I watched themfrantically set the room up for delivery. People swirling all around I justclosed my eyes. Two pushes later and she was born.

Later I spoke to the nurse, asking why in the world ithappened so fast like that. She told me that I was most likely in labor for thepast few days (would explain the back pain that I woke up with two nights in arow). I had been waiting for the really bad pain and the consistentcontractions (to tell you the truth my contractions were never consistent, thatis why the nurses didn’t believe me when at first I told them I felt it wastime. They were also waiting for the contractions to get consistent. But theynever did.).

The Nurse also told me if I had not come in about mypossible water leak, I would have ended up having Miriam at home! CRAZY! Godwas watching out for us! And despite the doctor’s worries, she didn’t need theNICU. She was fine. That was God’s plan for Miriam.

Josh had been talking to his father on the phone.  Still on the phone he came to Miriam’s roomwhere I was rocking and feeding, and dropped the bomb. “Bethany, Gina has losther baby.”

My world stopped for a second. This has happened only a fewtimes, at the announcement of various people in my life’s deaths. I swallowed.“What? How? How could this have happened?” He was still on the phone and walkedaway still talking. He had to finish his conversation with his dad and then hecame back to me. But while he was gone tears came like a torrent. Through tearsI looked at my little one drinking her meal. “How could this happen…why? Why doI still get my little Marybeth? I don’t deserve her! But Gina, Gina deservedher little guy!”

 In fact as I havesaid in previous notes because of my sin of an eating disorder I reallydeserved infertility and had thought that is what I would reap…I mean that waslogical considering what I had sown! But that is not what God had for me, notwhat He had for Gina.

She is a strong woman! I look up to her! As I sat thererocking my little one, crying like there was no tomorrow, I prayed. I prayedfor Gina, for Peter. For the pain they would be walking through.  I just couldn’t believe this had happened. Ifully expected Gina to not write anything on facebook. To just be a recluse fora while (that is what I would be tempted to do in her shoes). But she reachedout! She shared her grief, and through that God worked! He used Simon’s shortlife and Gina’s Christ-like response to speak to me and countless others! Thiswas God’s will for Simon Wesley.

Gina has it in perspective! She focuses not on the loss ofher son, but rather on the chance she had to know him for that time in herwomb!  She chooses to focus on what shehad, versus what she lost. She knows that though her son is not here in herarms; is not here to snuggle, not here to reflect God’s glory on earth. Simon isin the arms of Jesus. Simon is reflecting His radiant glory in a way he nevercould on this earth.  

I remember reaching out to her and just telling her that Iwas praying for her, hoping that she would be encouraged to know she was beingprayed for. And you know what?? She encouraged me! Here I was trying toencourage her and she encouraged me!

Gina has found the rose amongst the thorns! And she haschosen to share them with us here on facebook and I’m so thankful she has! Ionly pray that I can find the rose amongst the thorns of this life, like shehas, like my mom has, and like that lady who lost her Olympic daughter.

  It is so easy to see God’s grace in the good.

We easily see God’s grace in Miriam’s birth, the fact thatshe survived and is healthy in spite of being born early, but it is in Simon’sdeath as well. God’s grace is there, may He continue to open our eyes to findand see His grace and allow that to govern us! Our feelings scream that thiscan’t be, but truth and feelings almost never coincide, and when it comes downto it we always must choose truth over feelings. Eventually perhaps ourfeelings will align with the truth, but even if it doesn’t we still cling totruth because that is solid. Our feelings are fleeting, they change, truthdoesn’t! And so I say let’s find the roses amongst the thorns of this life!

Children are a GIFT of God

The very fact that anyone was ever conceived is a miracle! I had once always thought that conception was easy, I mean after all it happens ALL THE TIME! I mean if you are reading this, obviously it has happened (lol).

But after reading some books and reading online I have come to the conclusion that the very fact that we exist is a miracle!

 

And not just because of the awesome and wonder of conception, but also because of how many things are working against us from the very outset. I’m obviously not going to go into grave detail about this (you can do that for yourself) but I will say this much, a woman’s body resists conception, there are many problems that both the man and the woman may have, and couple all that with the fact that it has to take place at just a certain little window of time.

 

The very fact that any of us are here is a miracle! Not to mention all the complications that can happen in the pregnancy journey and birth itself! Puts a WHOLE new perspective on the truth that children are a GIFT from GOD huh?!

 

Thus I have come to this conclusion: every person born is born because GOD had it in HIS plan, for as much as we like to think that “we did it,” we did nothing really! Even in conception (just like evangelism) all we do is “plant and water.” Tis GOD who brings the increase (for both physical and spiritual birth!)

 

Little baby Farrell was a bit of a surprise to Josh and myself. Not planned by us but given to us from God! As many of you know from many of my previous notes I have struggled with the sin of an eating disorder since I was sixteen or so.

 

 Last summer (2012) it was really bad. I purposed in my heart to run from the Lord, to do my own thing.

Though I was serving Him at a Christian camp alongside strong and faithful Christians, my heart was FAR from Him! I remember people coming alongside of me and trying to help me. One of the things that I often heard from them was the warning that there was a possibility that I may never ever have children…and honestly that began to scare me.

 

Here I was looking forward to my wedding in just a few short months and weeks. My sister was already expecting Sophia, and now I faced the fear that possibly my sin was going to catch up to me in the worst way! I cried at times at night in the dark of my bunk, begging God to have mercy on me. All I feared though was the consequences, not the sin itself. Not yet, I wasn’t ready to surrender fully and for the right reasons.

 

But by the end of camp my Faithful God who never lets me go, kept pursuing me. I finally surrendered at Sr. High camp not even during a message but during the song service!

 

 It has been a slow go since then, with ups and downs, but I know God and He will never give up on me and He will give me the strength to keep changing.

When I returned from camp for my wedding I weighed about eighty six or eighty seven pounds. It was bad I know. I had to go to the “special doctor” to get things figured out. I honestly thought that I was going to be punished by the Lord with infertility…it’s what I deserved.

 

I remember that I started to pray (even several times a day) that God would one day (in His time) allow me to conceive and bear a child. I begged Him for His mercy and grace. I knew I didn’t deserve a child for what I had done, but I asked still.

 

Turns out in God’s wonderful and matchless mercy and grace He has given Josh and I a child. Not exactly in the timing we had thought, but how thankful we are to Him!

What a small picture of mercy and grace.

 

The BIG scope of things however, is that Christ died! WE don’t deserve to be saved, don’t deserve freedom from sin, to be called the children of God, to have access to His throne, to be cleansed, to have a “New Home”, to have Christ’s righteousness, to be freed from Satan’s power, to have the Holy Spirit…I think you get the idea…YET WE DO! 

 

PRAISE GOD for His mercy and grace and for His love that drives Him to that mercy and grace! WE have SO much that we do not deserve! Of all people we should be MOST JOYFUL! Choose JOY for Christ’s MERCY and GRACE!

 

Remember also that every life is a miracle and was planned by God, we may plant and water but HE brings the increase (both spiritually and physically) so let’s stop taking the credit that belongs to the Creator alone!

 

Puts a whole new perspective on the people that we have a hard time getting along with huh? EVERY PERSON is here for a reason, and survived conception and birth (though there were a TON of odds working against them) all because GOD ALLOWED THEM TO!

 

Be thankful for life, the abundant and joyful life God has given!

God an Indian giver??

I could feel the heat of the huge fire flush my cheeks red. Many a times since this have I sat at the famous huge bon-fire of IRBC at Sr. High camp, but this time was to be extra special. This night in particular, Pastor Phil asked that all who felt called to missions, come and stand to his right, and all those who felt called to full-time ministry to come on his left side. I stood and went right down to his left side without even thinking twice.

As I got down there, it was pretty dark and I could tell that there were quite a few of us standing there.

 

 How ironic that I should get down there and standing directly in front of me was none other than the Joshua Farrell! “OH no! He can’t see me!” I can still remember the serious look on his face, that determined and set look that he was dedicated to the full time ministry God had called him to, the same look that was on my own face.

I remember walking back to my cabin that night, the stars shining all around. My mom came and walked alongside me. “You will never guess who was right in front of me mom when I went down for full time ministry.”

 

“Who Bethany?” I think she could sense the dread in my voice.

“Joshua Farrell! UGH!”

“Hahaha, wouldn’t that be funny if you married him? I mean you both feel called to full time ministry!”

I about gagged. “You’re kidding! No! I would never in a million years marry Joshua Farrell!”

God sure does have a sense of HUMOR does’nt He? Just a word to the wise (side-note) never say you’ll “never” do something (good of course)…cuz chances are God will see to it that you will!

 

 

As a young girl I had always felt called to go into full time ministry. Me and my siblings, just like any children, would occasionally talk about what we would like to be when we grew up. You know the usual would “pop-up.” The typical: firefighter, vet, mom, policeman (woman). But if dad was ever around at that moment when we would be discussing such high schemes and dreams, he would always ask a simple question that always seemed to prick at my very soul, “what do you think God would have you do? What about full-time ministry?”

 

He asked that so often and reminded us that while it was not required of us to hand our entire life over to full-time ministry, that is something he would have loved to see us all do. He of course wanted us to do God’s bidding especially if that was full-time ministry.

After listening to the “Patch the Pirate goes to the jungle” over and over again I was always challenged with the young boy Samuel at the end.

 

 Patch and his crew visit the jungle to find treasure that was hidden by Patch’s father. While there they meet a missionary to the jungle, and discover that this missionary is rather old and ready to retire, and had prayed ore and ore for a young replacement.

As it turns out they find the treasure and give it all to this missionary. But for one of Patches’ crew members, young Samuel, a monetary gift was not enough. Samuel felt called to be that “replacement” Mr. Missionary had prayed for. And so in the end Samuel stayed. I still get goosebumps listening to that part of the CD.

All this to say that the Holy Spirit used my father and that CD to get me to see that He wanted me in some kind of full-time ministry. At first I thought I should be a missionary. Then as I grew older I felt more called to be a Pastor’s wife.

 

But then I ran into some heartaches in dating, and decided to give up on marriage all-together. In that unsurrendered time, I was worried and at a loss. I knew that God had wanted me in full-time ministry, but if not as a missionary and now that I refused to marry obviously a pastor’s wife was out of the question.

What was I to do?

 

I remember talking with my parents about it. Telling them of my burden to counsel others (which God placed in me while at Faith in the Counseling major). Ironically enough, they talked to a pastor in the area and he said that it sounded like I would make a great pastor’s wife! Ugh! Was all I could say…what didn’t everyone get about my  BEING SINGLE the rest of my life??!!?!? Kinda hard to be a Pastor’s wife if you’re not planning on marrying anyone!!

 

 

MY heels were dug in. But oh how God has a sense of humor! I think you may be sensing a trend in my life huh? I say “no” and God says “go” and I always end up going! And to be quite honest I would have it God’s way and no other! Whilst I drag my feet at first I always come to discover that God’s way is the BEST way in the end…and why would I ever expect anything other than my best from God? After all He gave His own Son!

 

As  a child and teen I always spoke of living out in the country. Having a creek where me and my kids (I always said I would have ten…Lord willing not lol!) could play in the mud and then have a mudroom to come back and clean up in. I always wanted a lot of dogs of different breeds and have always talked about having animals.

Weird thing is, God brought all this to me!

 

 After marrying Joshua we settled into our farm on what I call “Shepherd’s pointe.” How I loved it! There was a creek, we had two dogs, and even ducks and chickens and eventually cats! I hunted whenever I wanted, I snowboarded over all the big hills we had. I enjoyed the ducks…the dogs…the quiet…and the stars! But all that came to an end this past Saturday.

 

I must admit it was very hard for me to leave the farm. I cried over it a few times. But as we drove down the lane that last time, I knew that whilst the Lord had given me my childhood dream, He had also taken it away. How I had blessed and thanked Him when I was living that dream, but would I still bless and thank Him now that it is all over?

 

I think more hard than just leaving the farm was the fact that we left the farm to have no house to move in at all! It’s true at the moment we are homeless and have no idea where we will be living next. For now we live at our church. The Lord has given, and the Lord has taken away, yet still I say “blessed be the name of the Lord!”

He  never brings us what we cannot handle, and He always grows us through it! These things are SO easy to say, yet SO hard to live in light of!

 

One evening before we moved off the farm, Josh and I were lying in bed and he began to go through all of our current woes. Silently in my head I compiled to his list a list of my own woes as well. Suddenly my heart became overwhelmed and I cried. Course, as is my nature I didn’t let on to Joshua, as I didn’t want him to worry.

 

Here I was at eleven o clock at night throwing myself a little pity party. Totally bogged down I fell asleep with a heavy heart.

The next morning I asked the Lord (as I usually do) to quiet my heart and to speak to me through His Word. Somehow He always seems to bring the right passage at the right moment. This morning would be just like that.

I was in Is. 8, and the very last verse speaks of how Israel focused on the earth and all they saw was evil and darkness and anguish…sounded very familiar to me…the night before that’s all I could see! Was the pain and evil going on around me.

Earlier in that same chapter it speaks of the need to look upward to God. That hit me like a ton of bricks! I needed to look up! I was down trodden because I was focused on myself and the wrong in my world at that moment. It was just the “spanking” I needed!

 

Then shortly after that I began to worry about the fact that we have no home and began to be discouraged and upset a little bit over the whole thing. For the past few days I have been in Is. 9 which is all about the giving of God’s Son. And I was gently reminded that even when I have nothing and no one at all I still have Jesus Christ and tht is all that really matters in the end anyway!

 

So to summarize what God has taught me lately (reminded me of):

 

1. He has a sense of humor! Never ever say never when it comes to God and His work!
2. If you are called by God, GO! Don’t be turned aside like I was!
3. The Lord gives and sometimes the Lord takes away, yet do we still bless His name (His name is Who He is and what He does, did and will do).
4. Even when we have nothing we still have Christ! And that’s all that matters!

 

Now to wait and see what God has for us next! What an adventure it has been, and will be I’m sure! When I said “I do” to the handsome and sweet and godly servant hearted man I never thought I would be married to, I said for “better or for worse.” I gave Joshy my right hand and pledged all the strength and resources I had! I didn’t know I would end up homeless, and leaving the farm I had always dreamed of. All for HIM! We do what we do so that we can be better ministers of His to the flock He has called Joshua to shepherd!  I would say this is the “worse” we’ve had so far. It hasn’t been a cake walk! WE have both been tried through this, but it’s also kind of an adventure! I mean we got to stay in a hotel over the weekend (which also marked our 6 month anniversary of being married…so we got to celebrate without even meaning to at a hotel!) Also I mean how many people get to sleep in their office (or husbands?).

 

Honestly I wouldn’t have it any other way! It has given me some extra time to write and to think and to get some much needed things done! It has grown Josh and I and stretched us. If you are reading this Joshua, I love you, and I thank you for being the provider you are! For making sure that we always have someplace warm to lay our heads at night (no it may not be the Hilton…or even the farm…it’s better than that because we still have eachother and more importantly the LORD!). I trust you and I rely on you, thankyou for not letting me down! I love you!

 

Now to my Father in heaven, thankyou that we always have a home in heaven, and that we are just aliens here, just passin thru, so really we have no need to even fret about this silly house business anyways! Thankyou for the constant reminder lately that because you gave us your Son (Is. 9:6 my devos lately) we have a hope that never fades!  I know you have a perfect plan for Josh and I. Lord give us the strength to trust you and to keep serving You. Waiting for Your timing and Your will. Help us to be surrendered to You! Guard us Father and keep growing us! We need you every moment! Thankyou for the promise that you would not ever leave us! We trust and love you!

Whispers of God

It had been a long week! I had went to the older couples farm to take care of them. It was Josh and my first week apart since being married L. My heart leaped within me each mile that I passed bringing me that much closer to Shepherd’s pointe….to my home…to Joshua!

When I arrived home, Joshy had many things to share, as did I (after having limited communication all week). He had that gleam in his eye, the one he always gets when he has bought something special for me or someone else. His whole body gives him away, he can’t keep secrets, especially not surprises for the ones he loves. He can hardly contain himself and it’s rather fun to watch!

 

“I have something for you sugar.”

“Oh Joshua…”

“Sugar it’s an early birthday present…come with me it’s in the pole barn!” He was so excited. The gleam in his eye twinkled even brighter! We were only a week from my birthday…I am one who loves to be surprised but likes to save the surprise for the actual day. Like I don’t like opening presents early, I wait till the day of, I like building the anticipation…not sure why, so of course I said : “Let’s just wait till it is actually my birthday.”

“Um…you don’t want to do that sugar…come on…come with me to the pole barn!” The hesitation, that sly smirk beginning to steal his face, coupled with the  fact that he had been saying that he was going to buy me a sheep…a little lamb for my birthday…could this be it??! I love sheep, and have wanted one for sometime. Our landlord had said we couldn’t have sheep as livestock…but he hadn’t said anything about just having one as a pet. Would Joshy really have been serious when he said he would get me one for my birthday?

 

Excitement leapt up my stomach and into my throat as I entered the pole barn. “It’s in here, in the kennel.”  “Shall I cover my eyes?” I ask as we near the little dog kennel. “Yes!” So I cover my eyes and stand there. “Okay hold out your hands but keep your eyes closed tight.” His voice can hardly contain the excitement.  This is it! This is my sheep!

 

 For a split second I hesitated ….  “wait…hadn’t Josh also been talking about getting a guinea pig as well…oh no! He knows I’m afraid of them.” Despite my fear of getting bit by whatever furry thing he was going to place into my hands, I kept my hands held out to receive my present.

 

I felt the soft fur and a warm body, upon opening my eyes I saw the cutest orange striped cat! I couldn’t believe it! I had mentioned only once that I like orange striped cats the best, not wanting one just saying that I liked them. And lo and behold Joshy got me one!

 

Now I have always been more a dog person. In fact if I had to choose I would always take a dog over a cat. This is mainly because most cats are sneaky and also because they mostly just stick around because you feed them. Most are more concerned about playing and chasing and catching. While dogs on the other hand almost worship the very ground we walk on. They are obsessesed with pleasing us, obsessed with being with us, not because of the food, but just because they love us. This is the way my sweet mini Aussie shepherd/border collie Fiona is. She loves Josh and I to death and would do anything to protect us.

 

Cats just don’t do that, they are just not as loyal as dogs are. Don’t get me wrong, I love almost all animals (minus guinea pigs lol), so therefore I do love cats and was thankful for this kitten Joshy got me. Little did I know just how much I would come to love him.

 

I wanted to name him “Tony Stark” since I was Ironman for the cooks parade this summer. Plus too since he was striped and looked like a tiger it could also be “Tony the Tiger” since Josh and I LIKE cereal so much!

Tony ended up being very different than most cats I have met. Most cats love to play, and they get distracted easily. Tony, however, was not like that.

 

When we would go outside he just followed me. In fact we got him some toys and even those could not deter him, he was all about people. He just wanted to snuggle and wanted to be with us all the time. In fact when we would leave him in the pole barn in the kennel at night he was always devastated. Crying out really loudly and obnoxiously.  He would follow me just like a dog would…just like Fiona always does. He was just like having another puppy. OH the fun we had, how close we had grown, and only a week had passed and already we were almost inseparable. I took him with me whenever I could.

 

It was the day before my birthday and it was a beautiful morning! The red hues of the sunrise brightened the sky as I ran the last jaunt of my morning run. It had been a wonderful night. We had some college friends (soon to be married..Betsy and Aaron J ) and my little sister over for pizza and a movie. What fun we had sharing and talking, playing the Wii and showing them all the things that we had been blessed with. Aaron especially took to our kitty Tony as did Nana (she is so much like me!).

 

Now it was time to awaken Joshua and Nana, so we could feed the animals (especially Tony) so that we could be on time for the Hawk game at my parents house.

It was set to be a fun day.

 

After breakfast Josh went outside to search for the extra cats we had taken in for a friend of ours, whilst nana and I went to the barn to feed the ducks and Tony. I quickly let Tony out of his kennel and fed him some tuna. Turning I glanced at Chief, and thought I had better feed him too, since we wont be back till late. Another thought quickly followed that but what if he gets out like he did the other day…you should just wait and let Josh do it….but I want it done now…I can handle it…he wont get out.” Oh how I wish I would have listened and followed my second line of thinking…but rather I went with the first and third line. I crossed over and got his food, and opened the door. BAD MOVE! He slinked right out past me, and made a bee line for little Tony. I screamed “NO! NO CHIEF!”

 

Nana looked up from her spot next to Tony. Her eyes looked huge as chief came barreling over, headed straight for the kitten at her feet. How thankful I am that she didn’t move to pick Tony up…who knows what chief might have done in his fury. He was running entirely on instinct at this point.

 

Tony’s hair bristled and he hissed so loudly and swiped at Chiefs muzzle. Tony could have easily run away and climbed onto something higher…like our fridge or the duck kennel. But no he stayed right where he was and readied himself for a battle he could never win. In hinds sight Josh and I figure that Tony was trying to protect Nana. She was right next to him, and he being such a loyal cat didn’t know that chief was a danger to us at all but only to him.

 

I watched in complete horror as chief grabbed Tony in his mouth and began to shake him. I screamed so loud and went running for Josh, nana screaming right behind me. Chief is huge weighing almost 80 pounds..I was no match for him, plus he does not listen to me, so I ran for my knight in shining armour. I ran for Joshua. Joshy will fix this….it’s all going to be okay.”

 

Before I could even step out of the pole barn, Joshy was there asking what was wrong. All I could get out was “ It’s chief…he has Tony!” Josh quickly brushed past me pulling the pole barn door shut behind him, leaving nana and I in the little alley between the barn and the house.

 

 I collapsed by the door to our house, not even bother to go inside I just covered my head and cried. Nana was next to me crying as well. All the while I just kept thinking that Joshua would right my wrong. That some way somehow Tony was going to be okay. Chief would let go and all would be alright.

 

We could hear him yelling at chief. Telling him no. Finally, things got quiet. I gathered my strength and went into the pole barn. “Joshy…”

“It was too late beth…just go in the house.”

 

“NO! It can’t be!” I walked over to the kennel and peaked inside. There Tony was just lying there. I grabbed him. His body was limp but it was still warm. “Oh Tony…oh my precious…no!” I just kept saying no over and over as tears spilled down my cheeks. “He is so warm…Josh he has to still be alive…are you sure? There’s no marks on him…just a little bit of blood…not much…he has to be alive Jos..”

 

“No beth, he is dead.” Josh said solemnly. My eyes filled with tears a fresh and I started sobbing uncontrollably. “NO!”

“Beth just go inside, okay? Just go inside…I’m going to bury him.”

“No!” I kept crying and saying no and ran into the house. I couldn’t stop  crying. I just collapsed on my bed and cried. Then came the anger. Fury at the dog who had killed my precious kitty. I got up off my bed and wiped my tears and stomped out to the barn. Josh had gone to the field to dig a hole. WE laugh about this now that I ran out to the barn and grabbed the wire kennel and yelled “I hate you” at chief over a dozen times.

I was angry at chief when really it was my fault. I had been the one that opened the door.

 

A door that should have never been opened. I had wanted a job done and wanted it done right then, and because I did not take the time to wait, it cost me something dear to me.

Chief was acting out of mere instinct. I had turned loose something that should have stayed bottled up.

 

I got up enough courage to go and join Josh for the burial of our kitty, whom we only had for a week. My voice was raw by this point from screaming and crying and yelling. I cried like a baby. Death is a hard thing, something I have always hated, and somewhat feared as well. Not because of where I would go, no I have the assurance that because of what Christ did on the cross and in rising again, I know that when I breathe my last here on earth it twill be my first breath in heaven with my dear and precious Savior and King and with God my Almighty Creator. I just fear the unknown of death. What does it feel like? How will it happen? The fear of the unknown.

 

I once was told that death is something to be hated and feared because it was never meant to be. In the beginning there was no death, in fact death was not in God’s original plan. But because of sin death has now passed upon everything. Everything that lives will eventually die (except the believers that are still alive at the Rapture of Jesus Christ’s church). Death is un-natural and should have never been. But worse than physical death is spiritual death.

 

Physical death has a remedy: Belief in Jesus Christ’s death and resurrection. Spiritual death, however, has no remedy. We are all born spiritually dead, and dying physically. If we accept Christ before I physical death we will escape spiritual and eternal death in Hell. Once we physically die, if we have not accepted Christ then we will die spiritually and there is no remedy for that. WE all get one life  in which to accept the spiritual and eternal life offered, if we reject that then we will die spiritually for all eternity.

 

Death is a cruel thing. It comes unexpectedly (no one knows the exact time one will breathe their last breath), it rips loved ones from us and tears what we hold dear apart from us. That day before my birthday it took Tony from me. There one moment, gone the next. The Bible says that it is this way not just for little kittens like Tony, but also for all living things.

 

 But unlike Tony, we have life after death. Tony is gone and is no more, but my brother who passed while still in my mother’s womb, Joshua is what we called him, he lives on and so do all other humans.

 

Where will you live on when you pass? Where will you go? Do you fear death because you have no idea where you will go? If so please reach out! I would be more than happy to help you know and accept Christ as your Savior and how to be made right with God and begin your relationship with Him.

 

After we buried Tony, we went inside. I asked Josh for forgiveness, for jumping ahead, and for not thinking things through. It was my fault that Tony had died.

Something that I told Breanna that day, something I hope she never forgets, is that God is always trying to teach us.

 

Everyday, in everything God always has something for us to learn and ways for us to draw ever closer to Him. I told her that too often it is really easy for us to miss these lessons. To just not think things through and not try and find these things out. It is far too easy to just dismiss things as “coincidence” and totally miss the still small voice of God calling us higher.

 

So what was God trying to teach me at that moment??

 

I often want things done and done “now.” I am like a microwave. No, microwaves don’t really make elaborate meals, however they sure do heat things, and fast!

Joshy, however, is worlds apart. He is concerned more with doing things well. He tends to be more like an oven, which makes more elaborate dishes, but it takes its good sweet time at it.

 

Krista took her good sweet time in learning to walk. She observed for a long time and then one day she was able to just stand up and go, because she had watched and observed. I on the other hand, didn’t think things through. I just forged ahead. As you can imagine I banged into many a  wall time and again! In fact my mother never ceases to remind me of the truth that almost every week there appeared a wound from the battle.  

 

My mom was asked almost every Sunday what had happened to her young toddler that she would always have a goose egg on her forehead.  The mother always just sighed and explained that this I had insisted on walking and just forged ahead, whether I was fully prepared and ready or not. For that I payed with bruises and goose eggs.

  

 

Sad to say that what I exercised in walking (forging ahead with no real thought or practice) I also in turn did in just about everything I did. As I grew older it didn’t matter whether it was school work, or an instrument, or fishing, or a game, or cooking (too bad for my poor hubby) or cleaning, I always just forged ahead, “jumping the gun” so to speak.

 

Never really taking as much thought as I probably should to what I am doing. I always want things done quickly, it didn’t matter if they were done the very best they could be, just so that they are done and quick enough so I can move to the next thing. Although I do not rush everything in my life, it is true, many many things that I do (esp. new skills) I just forge ahead.

 

This was exactly what I had done the morning that Tony died. I had forged ahead. I wanted something done and just did it. Not really taking the time to think things through and take the time to care.

 

We are blessed that nothing worse happened. That chief didn’t go for the ducks. Or that nana didn’t pick Tony up, for if she had no doubt chief might have jumped on her and could have knocked her clean over and she may have really gotten hurt.

 

I could almost hear my Father in heaven…. “Bethy, did you see that? You are always forging ahead, always wanting things done quickly and in your timing. You need to slow down, I have been trying to tell you this for a long time, and you know this. I love you and I want you to use the way I made you for my glory and in my way.

But this Bethy…this is not my way. I created you with a desire to get things done, but there is a balance my daughter…you must find it! You remind me so much of another daughter of mine…of Martha…you need to change your focus…you need to turn your entire passion and self towards me alone.”

 

The following day was my birthday. Joshy and I ended up finding three free cats. Two kittens and their mother (all orange striped), and after we pick them up we also found some Bengal kittens ( a brother and sister). Joshy wanted to make my birthday special and that he did! I couldn’t help but be reminded of the story of Job, how he had lost everything dear to him, only to have it all be given back to him and that SEVEN FOLD!

 

Its true, I had lost Tony, but I gained Gibbs, Ziva, Toby and Tigger and their mom Chloe. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. But He is always to be blessed and praised in the both the giving and the taking. Often in the giving, we feel invincible, we become obsessed with the blessings that we often forget about the Blesser!

 

The new cats are wonderful, I love them all. But truth be told they are not quite like Tony. While they love people and show affection, they are easily turned aside to toys and distractions. They are not like Tony who was totally focused on people.

 

We are often like that. God desires for us to be like Tony, totally devoted and filled with a passion for only Him. But instead we often end up like my Kitty Catties (Gibbs, Ziva, Toby and Tigger). Too often we are turned aside to focus on the “blessings” of this life instead of focusing on the “Blesser.”

 

Too often we become so wrapped up in the gifts He gives (money, jobs, talents, time, loved ones, animals, possessions, knowledge, a fit body, food, the newest gadget, attention from others…the list goes on).

 

WE all have at least one (or many) things that turn us aside. Satan knows this and knows our weak points and uses them against us. We must be like Tony though! We have to be like him when he faced Chief. He stood up in the face of great opposition. He readied himself and used the tools given him. We have been given tools as well (a full set of armour!). Why don’t we use them?

 

This incident is filled with the whispers of God. He has spoken to me in the midst of this happening, but I had to dig for it. Had to think through the event, and mull each moment over in my mind. But as things always are with God there is always far more to still be learned…no doubt I have only barely begun to scratch the surface! So here are only some of the small whispers that I have heard:

 

1. Slow down and think things through.
2. Be more like Mary in the Bible and metaphorically like Tony my kitty: totally focused on my Owner. Laying aside the idols and distractions that so easily turn me away. Stop being like Martha in the Bible and metaphorically like my new kitty catties Gibbs, Ziva, Toby and Tigger: only half sold out, distracted by the things of this world.
3. Put on the armour and ready myself to fight Satan, like Tony readied himself to fight Chief.
4. Also the brevity of life. Life is short! Tony was there one moment, gone the next. People are no different. Are we ready to meet our Maker? Are we physically dying but spiritually alive?
5. Lastly, I was reminded that God is always trying to teach me. Always trying to draw me closer to Himself and to the image of His Son.

 

So what is God teaching you lately? What are something’s He has been whispering to you? The thing about whispering is, it always causes you to lean in closer to the one whispering, and causes you to cease talking (for fear of missing it) and to just be still and listen. Funny thing is, I think that’s God’s entire idea behind it all!

So what is He whispering to you?? Are you leaning in? Or do you not even care to hear it? Are you still talking over Him? It’s easy to do. Are you dismissing it as something else, as just coincidence? What is He whispering?

 

Spiritual Counterfeits (part 2)

I have always been known in my family for my stubbornness/tenaciousness. Wound up within my heart is an energy that is fierce and ready to stand against whatever gets in my way, no matter the cost. The sheen in my eye, the curled lip, I won’t give in. At two it took the form of not giving in when mom and dad told me for the umpteenth time not to tease Krista. At five it took the form of not wanting to wear the new shoes mom bought me. As a teenager it looked like me rebelling against my parents and not heeding their warnings about the young man I was dating that I should not have been. As a college student it looked like me being unwilling to surrender to marriage, “I will never marry!” Oh how I digged in…how I wanted my way. How I manipulated and stood my ground. And the list goes on and on and on!

That was what my stubbornness looked like. That is when I’m living for self. But when turned around that stubbornness could be tenaciousness, could be useful. At two it could look like me wanting to stack the blocks and not giving up till they were stacked just as they were supposed to be. At five it looked like me witnessing to the new kids I met…making sure everyone knew about Jesus.  As a teenager it could look like me sticking to my decision to honor my parents and break off the wrong relationship with that young man.

I tell people all the time that I was my parent’s hardest child to handle, and my parents would say the exact same! It’s true I have grown over time, but it has been very evident this summer that I still have a LONG ways to go!

 

I could feel it. I knew God was trying to get a hold of my heart in the area of my eating disorder, but I wouldn’t give in! I wasn’t ready. Sure I was praying about it everyday, begging God to change my heart and mind about it. I begged Him to change me from the inside out. But really I still wasn’t ready.

I dug my heels in. I had just graduated college in May, and was looking forward to a wedding, but first I had to survive ten weeks of serving the Lord at IRBC as a cook. I knew that I was struggling, and felt so inadequate to serve the Lord in such a position, such a low spiritual state. But no one will know right? No one will find this out…no one will even be able to tell.  Besides you need to lose weight for this wedding…you have gotten HUGE lately, I mean just look at yourself.”

“I hate how I feel so fat….something has to change. I know I can lose lots of weight while I work at camp! Working long hours in the heat and running everyday. Things will get better! No one will know. Sure mom has warned you not to lose weight while at camp…but she wont be up there all the time…this should work.”

“No…No Bethany! People will know! People will find out…you need to heed your mom’s warning! There is so much at stake! Purpose in your mind now to change, to stand strong and to grow at camp and not fall back into your sin. Stand strong!”

 

Oh the battle that was raging for my heart ever since I was sixteen. Satan knows my struggle well, he knows how easy it is to trip me up. Oh how I fight, how I struggle…and it seems that a lot of the time he wins battle after battle. But I know that God is an awesome and loving and gracious God, and no matter how many battles Satan wins, God will win the war, and that’s all that matters!

 

It was Sr. high camp now…I had made it thru most the whole summer as a cook at IRBC. I thought I was “getting away” with my little secret…but people knew…God wouldn’t let me hide (praise Him). I remembered the verse “be sure your sin will find you out.” How true that was!

“You are so skinny!”… “Have you lost weight?”… “That’s all your eating?”… “you can’t run in this heat!”… These comments were made by many people. Each was a warning directly from God. Unbenounced to the people whose lips passed these questions at me, God was using every single one of them!

And is’nt that just like Him? Have you ever noticed how in scripture when someone disobeyed Him, how He always asked them questions…graciously giving them a chance to speak truth and come to Him in repentance and be restored though they do not deserve it. Some examples would be Adam and Eve, Cain, and countless others. That is just God’s way though, it is not a wonder at all that the scriptures refer to our God as a God of grace and mercy! He never lets any sheep of His to stray long!

 

These questions kept coming at me all summer long. I avoided them seemingly easily, with excuses and glossing over the issue or worse lying about it. I wanted to stay in the dark…but God kept turning on the flood lights! I couldn’t hide long.

 

As I said it was Sr high camp now.  One of the biggest and hardest weeks of our entire summer. Serving close to 600 at every meal, staying up a little later, and working harder. It was the big push to keep going!

But oh how the Lord always seems to do a mighty work this week. If you asked us as a staff, we wouldn’t trade any hardship or trial of Sr. High camp for the great work that God does in the hearts and lives of all those teens. While it is exhausting it is also encouraging and uplifting!

 

There I was, trying to hide…quenching the spirit time after time. I knew God was on my tail…He wouldn’t give up. Every sermon…every devotional that I had heard and read this summer all seemed to shine the light even brighter on my sin of an eating disorder.

I was beginning to get tired of hiding…beginning to break down and see my need for a change…see my need to come back to the One true God and forsake the idols I had stuck up. They were not delivering…I still felt empty...longing for more. I also knew I was getting dangerously thin...and I needed to be rescued and set free from the Lord.

 

What do you think happened next? Let me guess you think that I heard a sermon that just leveled me. Exposed and enlightened me like never before..right? Wrong! He actually used His Word (sermons and devotionals all along the whole summer) but the thing that was the “final straw” was God using the song service and the choir’s song to get a hold of my heart.

 

Never in my life has the Lord used that as He did that day. The song leader at Sr/ High camp does a wonderful job every year at putting songs together. Tim Jones is his name. And I always thought that putting together a song service would be a “piece of cake.” Right? You just pick out a few songs, line up a pianist and put together a choir piece. Wrong! Not for Mr. Jones. This past year I learned that he stays up late into the night praying and pouring over the prep of the song services for the next day.

 

God used the message of the songs that night to finish the work He had started in me at the beginning of the summer. He helped me to see my selfishness for what it was…helped me to remember that I had been bought at a price (the life of His One and Only Son Jesus Christ). And helped me to realize my need to surrender to Him.

 

I usually try not to cry in front of people and usually do a pretty good job of that…but I broke down right there in my pew amidst a sea of sr. highers. I cried out to the Lord and surrendered in that moment before the service even really started.

 

Now, it’s true I surrendered in that moment…but as I saw in the following days (and even now) it really is often a moment to moment surrender. The battles still rage…I still struggle. But the amazing thing is God sent me accountability (the other cooks as I was able to confess to them and enlist their help)…Lynnae also stepped in and we had some good discussions about it…my mom was the most help checking with me daily…and of course Joshy has been used by God as well J.

 

The battles are far from over…they will rage until I am finally set free from this body and forever sanctified and join my Savior in heaven (whether by death or rapture..MARANATHA!).

 

It’s a daily struggle…I stumble a lot, but the amazing and most wonderful thing is: I have seen first hand the kind of gracious God we serve! I didn’t just read about His grace, I have SEEN it first hand!

Also how wonderful to know that when I surrender to Him, He has the power to take my ugly stubborness and turn it into tenaciousness to be used for His passion and purpose!
How AMAZING is our GOD?? He can take sin and turn it inside out and use it for His glory!
May I allign myself under Him and forsake the counterfeits of Satan...they never work and their end is devastation and destruction!

 

Friends,  I pray that you know today beyond a shadow of a doubt that God always seeks that which is lost (Luke 15). If you, like me, are lost/were lost may you come to Him! Whether that be the first time for Salvation from your sin and sinful self, or once again because you are saved but you (like me) have wandered. I pray that if you need more help or if you have questions that you reach out to God first and foremost in prayer, but then also to the Christians around you, or even myself! I am here, no question is a dumb one...no need to feel shame...I am a sinner same as you! So please reach out and get the help if you need it!

 

From one wandering sheep to the others out there, may you come to the fold of our wonderful and loving Shepherd!!

Counterfeit (part one)

The green ball flies through the hot summer air, whizzing ore the grassy green field. The ball lands and is instantly engulfed in the green blades. Camouflaged now by its nest in the grass, the ball eludes the little pup that sprang for it when it was thrown. The pup is not deterred however, despite the tall grass and the fact that the tennis ball has totally disappeared from view, the puppy tenaciously keeps after the ball. Zigzagging left and right across the field, nose to the ground, she pauses only every once in a while to sniff the air, trying to catch even the faintest odor of the familiar smell. My scent is what she is striving to catch. Joshy and I watch her with pride. Fiona has been a delight to both of us since Joshy got her for me for Valentines Day. She is quite an odd looking dog, with her brown eyes that have blue swirls in them, and her blue merle coat (typical of the Australian shepherd). She has a very slender body and long legs and ears that stick up and quite a long snout, all this combined I guess makes her look like a coyote, for I have been asked on many occasions if she is one! Makes me even more proud seeing as I love wild dogs J.

Anyways,  Joshy and I were greatly delighted when we first discovered how good she was with fetch. Running hard after the ball, she always brings it back and gives it to us for another round. She will play fetch all day if we let her. Even when she is beat tired, as soon as she catches sight of her Frisbee or hears the sound of a tennis ball on concrete, she is to her feet, eyes sparkling; they dance almost daring you to throw whatever is in your hand.

 

“Look at her Joshy…she won’t give up till she finds it or we call her off and stick her in her kennel.” A winsome grin tenderly lights upon his handsome face, that cockeyed grin I love so, as he says “I know. She won’t.”

“She is a good dog…I’m so proud of her.”

 All the while, all she can think about is finding that ball and bringing it back to us. For she knows that we will be most pleased with her, and this is the her soul desire at the moment: for her masters to be delighted. And Nothing, nothing would stop her, she will keep after that ball till she finds it, and find it she always does, because she is tenacious, she won’t give it up!

 

The  hot summer wind blows my fly away hairs all about, Joshy slips his hand into mine as we walk side by side. We were both buzzing with talk about different things, lost in conversation. Suddenly Fiona begins to bark and strains at the leash. Our attention is ripped from one another to a stupid squirrel in a yard we were walking past. Josh pulls Fiona in closer. “Fiona, NO! Fiona that’s enough, Fiona…” That stern tone is hardly ever heard from Josh’s mouth. He is such a sweet man, he is usually either really happy (hyper lol) or sad, never usually angry or stern. But when he is, he gets a stern tone. Employing that now, Joshy continues to call her name, pulling her from the yard and back onto the sidewalk. Had Josh not been stronger than Fiona and able to pull her away, she would stay after that squirrel till it got away or she got it.

So was this her tenaciousness at work again as it was with the tennis ball? Or was this something else? Stubbornness is more like it! It is her tenaciousness twisted around in an ugly and most annoying form.

 

For every good thing of God, Satan always offers a counterfeit. This is something that looks very similar to the “real deal” but is totally false. It’s like having a bowl of whipped topping (God’s goodness) before us and then a bowl of shaving cream (Satan’s counterfeit), they both look alike but are obviously very very different! Used for two very separate purposes, and won’t work well in either’s place.

The one that is probably most popular is God’s Creation Account in Genesis 1 verses the Evolution Theory in Darwin’s’ book. They look alike in that they both try to answer how everything got here, but the difference is one is a theory and one is indeed fact (Romans 1)!

            As I have pondered these things betwixt Satan and God I have found that there are many “real deals” and their “counterfeits” combinations.

Some that hit closer for us perhaps are the world’s philosophy of “love yourself” verses God’s law that says we ought to love Him first and then others (Matthew 5:45).  Notice even how different the wording is there. One is a philosophy, this carries with it the notion of if you want to, it’s up for grabs and for debate. While God’s is not a philosophy it is a command. It is a must, it is not up for debate or discussion; we are to love God and our neighbors, end of story! Notice the very different purposes as well. One is centered on purposes and goals that help to satisfy and delight self; while the other is centered on purposes and goals that help to satisfy and delight God.

           

The one that hits closest to home for me is tenaciousness (God’s) versus stubbornness (Satan’s). Some might say “well are they not the same thing?” My argument is that they are not. True they are both energy that stands against something. Like a rock in the midst of a mighty and raging river. All about the rock things are tossed too and fro. Sticks, logs, foam and leaves are all at the mercy of the currents. They are moved along by the current, taken wherever it goes, but not a rock. It stands firm in its place, despite the pounding water against it. Both tenaciousness and stubbornness are like that rock, they both stand against the currents that come their way. They both don’t budge.

           

 However, there is obviously a fine line betwixt the two. The difference lies within their end, within their goals. Tenaciousness has a good goal, a goal that is set on delighting in and satisfying God no matter the cost. While stubbornness is focused entirely on self, on delighting in and satisfying self, no matter the cost.

 Think back to the two scenarios with my pup Fiona. In the first scenario, with the frisbee, we would say that Fiona was being tenacious. She was focused on pleasing her masters and would not give up till she did it. However, with the squirrel, she was being stubborn, digging her heals in and not willing to move. In one instance her energy and ability to not give up was good, in another it was entirely wrong and a hindrance to us, her owners. The same can be said of us and our relationship to God! When we are focused on what God wants us to be doing (the Frisbee), when we have delighting Him as our highest goal, then our stubbornness is actually tenaciousness. But when we have delighting self as our goal that tenaciousness is twisted into stubbornness. So what we need to watch most closely is not what we are heading after (the Frisbee or squirrel) but WHO we are heading after. For when we truly have pleasing God as our goal our stubbornness becomes tenaciousness. Our pride becomes humility. Our selfishness becomes selflessness. Our hate becomes love. Our anger becomes peace. Our stealing becomes giving. Our lying becomes integrity and honesty. Our hurtful and wrong speech becomes blessing the Lord and others, and the list goes on. It’s no wonder than that Christ told us to “guard our hearts, for out of it spring the issues of life.” He knows that we were made to worship, made to delight someone other than ourselves, and He knew that whoever/whatever has the thrones of our hearts would be played out and seen in the things we do and say.

So much can change just with (W)who is on the throne of your heart!