You have probably heard this, but I have learned first handwhat people mean by when they say that having a baby and raising a childCHANGES so many things! From our schedule, to our finances, to what we reallycare about anymore, to what we think about (I worry about her constantly…I meanI worry about things I never even knew existed!). It changes so much! Having achild also has changed even what we do and or say. Things have changed so muchsince bringing home our little Miriam.
But among the changes some things unfortunately remain thesame. One of those being my struggle with an eating disorder.
Here I was thinking “man I’ve pretty much got this thing!” Imean after all being pregnant and having a child changed things.
I got better on theoutside, but only because I had to! I changed outwardly for fear of losing herthru miscarriage (when I was pregnant) or now for fear of my milk supply going toofar down or her not getting enough high calorie milk from me. Outwardly I puton weight; I didn’t run anymore (during pregnancy). I looked like I was doingbetter.
But God has showed methis past week that I am still struggling with this in my heart.
My devotions have been in Matthew lately, and God has beenreminding me of the importance of honoring Him with my heart (inward man), notjust my lips (outward man), He has been reminding me of the need to not justsay “I’m going to change” or even have the outward actions of change (eatingmore, exercising less, for the sake of the Baby and my milk supply). But ratherthat my desires need to change as well!
God brought all this to a head this past Sunday morning.Josh preached on the passage of the Israelites and Aaron building a calf andworshipping it, whilst Moses was on the mount worshiping the One True God. Whata stark contrast that is! And all of us are there! We are either on themountaintop worshipping the One true God or we are wallowing in the valleyworshipping a false god. I was convicted right there that I needed to let go ofmy god…my eating disorder.
I begged God to change my passions, to ruin me for any otherpassion than a passion for Him alone.
Little did I know that God would challenge that very prayer!Be careful that you mean what you pray when you pray it! Weigh the cost andmake sure you mean it, because chances are God will challenge your prayer andif you really meant it!
Later that afternoonI went for a run. I’ve been running for two weeks now, it has been six weekssince Miriam’s birth. I had some pain after her birth, but it subsided and thusI started running again. But Sunday suddenly that very same pain came back. Iwent to the doctor for my six week check the next day and she had no clue as towhat my pain could be about.
Thus I was left with pain and no answers as to what or why.I have been forced to walk instead of run and even walking is painful and Istart limping after a while. At first I was like “well it should go awayeventually.” I tried to stay positive. But as with all ladies my mind went tothe worse case scenario…what if I can’t ever run again?!!!???! What if this ismy new normal??
I CANT HAVE THIS! Butwhat if God said “You will have this Bethany!”I always wondered why God didn’t take away my god by paralyzing me so that Icouldn’t run or doing something to me that rendered me useless to running.Maybe He now has!
I LOVE RUNNING A LOT!Running is not bad, it is a good exercise, a great stress reliever and a chanceto enjoy God’s creation, both nature and also how He designed the body to beable to do such a thing: RUN! But this has become my god.
Thru this pain returning God has forced me to see and choosethe more important things. He has showed me that being thin and fit is my god.Every “god” has commands. Things we must follow. In God’s case we really mustfollow those commands….in the case of our smaller case g gods we don’t have toactually follow those commands…we just tell ourselves that we have to. My godis staying fit and being thin, thus my gods commands are “you MUST run (orexercise someway somehow) EVERYDAY!”
I’m driven by that, and when I don’t fulfill that for anyreason I feel as though I have sinned. But that is just a feeling! We have beenreading a book in our ladies bible study at my church entitled “the lies womenbelieve.” In this book the author explains that just because we “feel”something doesn’t make it true. We all know this….believe this…but I struggleliving it! I feel something or don’t feel something and act on it. Sometimes weare required to do something or not do something even when we don’t “feel” likeit! Our feelings do not actually always follow the truth! Sometimes we have todo the truth going against out feelings and perhaps later on our feelings willeventually align to the truth…but even if they never do, we still are requiredto follow the truth no matter how we feel.
This is what Im having to do. I feel like I MUST run…I feellike if this pain lasts forever and I never am able to run again I will FALLAPART. That is ridiculous and selfish and prideful, that’s where I am atemotionally! But the truth is what Im choosing to go with!
I don’t have to run! If I GET to run than I thank God! If Idon’t, I still thank God and trust Him. If this pain does not ever go away, ISTILL THANK GOD! I still trust Him, and walk in obedience and change. Do I feelthese things? Nope my feelings arescreaming something totally different…but I am striving not to listen!
Yesterday, I was allowing my feelings to get the better ofme…and I was ranting to Josh. Saying I don’t know what I will do if I never runagain. Josh turned to me and said, well you have Miriam. What would you have,running or Miriam?. That stopped me! Emotionally it didn’t stop me…emotionallyI was like “I want to run!” But the truth of that question, the truth of whatreally is more important, was what stopped me.
Martha and Mary hadtwo very different choices. Martha chose the temporary, Mary the eternal. AndChrist said Mary had chosen the greater part. Daily I ask that God show me whatmy “better part” is for the day. I pray that and sometimes totally miss my“better part.” But God used Josh that day that I was ranting to help me to seethe better part.
Running is good, it does profit for this earth, butSpiritual things profit so much the more and that for here on earth andETERNITY! Some say that our children will be our greatest disciples. Thus thatwould be a spiritual thing that I need to work on. When I get to heaven Godisn’t going to be concerned with if I ran everyday and stayed fit and thin, Hewill care though how I raised my little girl and if I discipled her towardsHimself. My “better part” is NOT running, it is RAISING this little arrow Hegave to me so that she can later be used of Him!
Having Miriam is a gift beyond compare! I may never runagain because I bore a sweet little girl, but that is okay, because my lifeisn’t about me! It IS about Him! His will was that I bear Marybeth, and thatmight come at the cost of my running self, but that is what HE WANTED!
Again I say having a child CHANGES many things, but GODCHANGES EVERYTHING! Sure I should change in my eating disorder for Miriam, butI must change for GOD!
I do not want what Jesus said of the Pharisees to be true ofme:
“Hypocrites! Isaiah prophesied correctly of you when he said‘this people honors me with their lips, but their heart is far from me, andthey worship me in vain, teaching as doctrines the commandments of men.”Matthew 15:7-9
It is NO coincidencethat God had me in this very passage for devotions the morning following Josh’spreaching on the golden calf. I cannot teach Miriam that running is moreimportant than God by the way I live my life. I cannot teach her that thedoctrine of needing to run everyday is acommand to be followed. I also cannot just honor God with my lips, I cant justpray and say and ask that I will change, I actually have to step forward(forsaking feeling) and CHANGE!
You think God is trying to drive something home with me? I know HE IS! He wantsme totally devoted to Him, forsaking all else. It is high time for me tosurrender once again. I have a feeling that perhaps this will be a lifelongstruggle. This cant be a one time thing, it is a constant moment to momentsurrender!
Sure I surrenderedfrom this sin many times (at camp, at home, at church…the list goes on). But ithas to be a daily thing! Christ knew the truth in this being a daily thing whenHe said that we must DAILY take up our cross, deny ourselves and choose tofollow God! He created us, so of course HE KNOWS us better than we know ourselves.He knows it has to be daily! So may I keep surrendering. May I live my life sothat I point Marybeth away from this sin that I never want her to fall into,may I point her to Christ the One Who sets us free!
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