Outwardly I was surrendered to God. I was attending a Bible college; pursuing a degree in the area God has given me a burden for (Biblical counseling). I was faithful in having time with God each day, learning and growing; I was teaching Sunday school and taking the opportunities to serve God when and how I could. I was serving at a Baptist camp as a cook. Of course I was surrendered to God! Or was I??? NO!
There was one area…just one small area that was not surrendered. (Okay I should clarify that every time
I sin I am not surrendered in some area…but what I am speaking of is a part of the bigger scope of things. The smaller scope is perhaps the most dangerous, the “little battles” (everday sins as it were) as it were, but they always lead to the “bigger battles” ( habitual sins over long periods of time) if kept unchecked…random side note…my apologies).
Anyways, in the home of my heart, all the rooms were surrendered, Christ had access to them all, except for the closet underneath the stairwell. That I would never let go.
I lived this way for a year. I enjoyed fellowship with God, but I knew that there was something between us( the skeleton in my closet), knew exactly what it was, but was did not think that I could possibly ever surrender it.
No one would know about my unsurrendered heart, unless they asked the right questions, which in fact many did, but no one asked the deeper questions to figure out why. Everyone knew what, but never got the “why” because I was unwilling to say! And those who asked often asked in public, and of course I was not going to reveal a dark heart to a room full of light hearts!
What you say often reveals your heart! Up at camp in the kitchen, all the cooks are girls, so of course as you can imagine the subject of marriage came up A LOT in the two years that I worked there. It was pretty clear that I was going to be single the rest of my life. And I was proud in that, outwardly , but inwardly I was squirming! How I longed to be like Jessie, Bethany, and Julie! How I longed to be able, like them, to say that I would do whatever the Lord would have me do in the area of marriage. I began to want to say that “yes I will marry” or “yes I will stay single” but felt that I could not.
At first I was glad that it was hidden, not wanting to expose my unsurrendered heart and also my past, I liked the fact that it was all hidden, and that I “looked good” to everyone.
But then slowly but surely I began to realize that I was very wrong, and that I needed answers. But I had no where to turn!
I began to think “if only they knew”, then they would not see me the same way. I felt like I was living a lie, trapped and unable to tell anyone the truth because it would be inappropriate, so I just had to leave everyone to their false assumptions, while I stayed in my guilt…my shell. How I longed to be like all the others around me, good people, clean, right and innocent. I now perhaps no a little what it is like for a new Christian who was saved from a harder life.
Looking back on it I can see that God was preparing and molding my heart to the place where I would be able to surrender “He fashions their hearts individually; He considers all their works” psalm 33:15
! He did this when I was struggling with my eating disorder, He did this when I was in a wrong relationship, and again did this with my unsurrendered heart! Faithful is the Father in pursuing this wandering prodigal, faithful the shepherd who lovingly seeks out His lost sheep, snatching it from the storm and joyfully carries it home no matter how many times, He is called to go out and find it! WOW! What a God I serve! What a Father!
"Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? 5And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders 6and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, 'Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.' tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.”- Luke 15:4-7
What finally brought it full circle was a message up at camp. The man was speaking in the Psalms 4, and was sharing how if there was something in our lives that we were not sure of, did not have the answers to then we needed the light of God’s countenance to shine on it! The speaker encouraged us to pray that God would shine the light of His face on the subject. He also encouraged us to seek someone out, if the need be.
“There are many who say,” Who will show us any good?” LORD, lift up the light of Your countenance upon us.” Psalm 4:6
This is what I needed! I did not know what was good, and this verse said that God is the one who is able to show me what is good! How does He do this? By the light of His countenance!
“For they did not gain possession of the land by their own sword, Nor did their own arm save them; But it was Your right hand, Your arm, and the light of Your countenance, Because You favored them.”-Psalm 44:3
WOW! This was exactly what I needed, it was as if the speaker was speaking directly to me! It really opened my eyes, and I squirmed within myself. I knew that I needed help,
needed to come to the place where I could surrender, but I had questions.
From that evening on I began to pray that God would shine His countenance on the subject, and that He would send someone to talk to me. After a few weeks of praying for this, and no real answers, I began to think that perhaps, I would need to actually seek someone out, versus someone coming to me.
So I began to pray for an opportunity to talk to someone about my unsurrendered heart.
This came when Lynnae stopped by my room one night after we retired from the kitchen. And so I took the opportunity to ask her for a chance to talk to her. She of course said yes.
We never talked at camp (too busy), but after I left and got into school, I sent her an email and she got back to me and helped me to realize where I was wrong.
You see after breaking up with Jesse, because of the wrong and awful things I did with him, (I am not the typical “good girl” that some think I am…..). Anyways because I have sinned, I knew that God forgave me and has forgiven me for it, but I just did not want to ever have to tell another guy how I have sinned, and I did not believe that there would ever be any guy who would be able to forgive me.
God forgives it is true because He is Holy and loving, but we humans have a lot harder time forgiving because we are sinful.
I was being very wrong in my thinking and really I was not trusting God and was not surrendered to Him in the area of marriage.
That night after she talked with me about it, I prayed and surrendered to God.
Now not always do things happen this way, but I will say one thing before I go on. God uses our pasts to bring us to where we are, and to lead us on into our futures.
Looking back in hindsight I can see that God was def. leading me along, from the unsettledness in my spirit about my unsurrendered heart, to that message, to talking to Lynnae, to surrendering.
Anyways shortly after a young man (my friEND…that is for you Thomas ;)
asked me if I would be willing to deepen my relationship with him. To make a long story a little shorter, I prayed about it and then said yes. But you see the ironic thing is, if Thomas had asked me not two weeks earlier I would have turned him down just like that, no questions asked…not prayer…no thought to God, because of my unsurrendered heart. But because God chose to pursue this prodigal, because of His faithfulness, I have had the wonderful blessing of getting to know a this godly man, who I don’t deserve!
My heart is constantly overwhelmed, and I am praising God for this wonderful blessing, each day, but I could never come even close to praising Him in such a way that would be sufficient!
My heart is warmed friends, just to see the work of God, that He would not just think of me as a “lost cause”. I have wandered time and again, and He has proven Himself faithful time and again. He has healed my heart time and again, He has forgiven me and set me free! We serve an AWESOME, loving compassionate GOD!! Nothing compares to Him!
Maybe you are like me, maybe there is something that you are struggling with. Maybe a sin, maybe just a question or even a doubt that you have. Maybe it is an unsurrendered heart, just in a different area or maybe even the same area. Maybe you are willing to get married but not willing to stay single. My dad once told me (this was when I was crying out of jealousy of my sister having her first boyfriend. Wrong and sinful I know, but my dad was gracious and used this teachable moment!)
Anyways he came to my room that night and said “Bethany, in order to enjoy the blessing of marriage, you must first sacrifice it and be willing to be single.”
That changed my perspective, but it goes both ways! God cannot be limited! We cannot say “Yes God” in one thing and “no” in another. He requires FULL submission
“If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me.” Luke 9:23
Where in this verse do we find room to “do our own thing” to “have our own way”?
NO where!
So I would encourage you if you are struggling in this area to seek out help, and to surrender to God!
And for others of you that are struggling with just needed answers, needing to know what is good, what is right, PRAY that God would shine the light of His countenance on you! Pray for an opportunity to talk with someone if the need be. Seek someone out! Don’t be afraid, step out on a limb like I did with Lynnae.
Yeah I had to share some really deep secret stuff, and yes I must admit that I was afraid, but ultimately I do not answer to Lynnae, I ultimately answer to God and He has forgiven! Don’t allow the “fear of man” to stop you from finding the Truth of God!
The fear of man is NEVER good! Only the FEAR OF GOD! And if by chance while you fear God you please both man and God that is a blessing, a privilege, but ultimately you are only called to please God!
SO I would encourage you to seek out the countenance of God! Pray, talk, open up and find someone!
“There are many who say,“Who will show us any good?” LORD, lift up the light of Your countenance upon us.” Psalm 4:6
You see after breaking up with Jesse, because of the wrong and awful things I did with him, (I am not the typical “good girl” that some think I am…..). Anyways because I have sinned, I knew that God forgave me and has forgiven me for it, but I just did not want to ever have to tell another guy how I have sinned, and I did not believe that there would ever be any guy who would be able to forgive me.
ReplyDeletePlease, stop talking about Jesse and get over yourself. You are not a prodigal. You have so much self pity it's kind of sad, but leave my family out of your self pitying blogs.
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ReplyDeleteA prodigal by definition is someone who has wandered and has been returned, so in a sense we as Christians all are prodigals anytime we sin!
ReplyDeleteAnyways, who in the world are you??? And how did you find this? You obviously had to be looking for it??
And if you dont agree with my blog and with the things I write then why waste your time reading them?? You are not being forced to read them, you have a choice.
I am going to continue writing whatever God lays on my heart, my apologies if it happens to include your family.
I am not self pitying myself, rather I am reveling in the wondrous grace and forgiveness of an Almighty God who just happened to stoop down and rescue me from a wreck that I created (every wreck I create). I guess I just dont see how this is a problem??
And if you are going to say that I am self pitying and that I am not a prodigal then you at least need to be difinitive and share exactly how and why I am or am not these things.
These are not meant to be self pitying blogs, they are just blogs about an Almighty God who works in the life of this daughter of His. Praying for you, and it would be nice to pray for you by name ;)
I apologize if any of this offended you, I did not mean for it to, I only meant to explain myself. I personally have moved on, by God's grace and hold no hard feelings whatsoever toward Jesse or his family, I love them all in the Lord and only want His very best for them! I pray for them regularly and would welcome their friendship.
My apologies for coming across as anything less.
prod·i·gal /ˈprɒdɪgəl/ Show Spelled
ReplyDelete[prod-i-guhl] Show IPA
–adjective
1. wastefully or recklessly extravagant: prodigal expenditure.
2. giving or yielding profusely; lavish (usually fol. by of or with ): prodigal of smiles; prodigal with money.
3. lavishly abundant; profuse: nature's prodigal resources.
See also: Pity
ReplyDeleteSelf-pity or "feeling sorry for oneself" is the psychological state of mind of an individual in perceived adverse situations who has not accepted the situation and does not have the confidence nor ability to cope with it. It is characterized by a person's belief that he or she is the victim of events and is therefore deserving of condolence. Self-pity is generally regarded as a negative emotion in that it does not generally help deal with adverse situations. However, in a social context, it may result in either the offering of sympathy or advice. Self-pity may be considered normal, and in certain circumstances healthy, so long as it is transitory and leads to either acceptance or a determination to change the situation.
"victim of events and is therefore deserving of condolence."-
ReplyDeleteI do not ever write that I am a victim of events, rather I write about the trouble I have created and the trouble I fell into (in other words I sinned and trouble ensued because I sinned) and I write about it and what God teaches me through it. Note my blog's definition:
"The Christian life is a wonderful and yet difficult journey, of ups and downs. One of the greatest struggles is to learn from God in both the good and the bad. God has often given me a burden to write something about my own personal ups and downs and the things He teaches me. Whether it be from that "big trial" or just that extra encouragement from His Word on a normal day. So from the heart of this prodigal to the many out there, may you be encouraged, giving all the glory to God."
So it is not so much about me, or even about what God has to offer, but rather WHO God is and what He has done in my life.
And as far as the definition of "prodigal" yes you are correct, but only by the world's standard, which is actually not the definition nor use of the word that I use when I refer to myself as a prodigal. Rather I am using the Biblical definition and use of the word.
Luke 15, is the parable of the Prodigal son. Jesus, our Savior, often used stories to get His message across. I am sure you know the story (but then again I don't know exactly who you are, but I am fairly certain you know the story and that I don't need to repeat it (if you would like more info on the prodigal as I said it is found in Luke 15, and I can also send you more info on it later in a post).
Anyways the prodigal son as we know left his Father and lived in sin and wasted his Father's money. I like the prodigal have wandered away (many times, and really everyday because I sin everyday) from my Heavenly Father.
And He like the father in the parable always accepts me back, with love and forgiveness and mercy. So in this sense I am a prodigal, as are every other Christian if they were completely honest with themselves.
In your definition of self-pity ir reads that the person feels sorry for theirself. Now are you claiming to have some psychological abilities? Can you read minds and hearts? For it appears that you are claiming such things in saying that I have alot of self-pity.
ReplyDeleteObviously the answer to you reading my mind is no. Only God can do that
“Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the LORD does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” 1 samuel 16:7
You see feelings are something that no one can see, now you can see the affects of my feelings but ultimately you have no idea what I am feeling, esp. since we are sophisticated creatures and are even able to hide our feelings and cover them up by other feelings.
So there is no possible way that you could know for certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I have self-pity, because you are not God, you cannot read my mind, my heart, or my feelings.
Also all of my writings say to the contrary of the fact that I am not able to accept the situation I am in or have faced:
"the psychological state of mind of an individual in perceived adverse situations who has not accepted the situation and does not have the confidence nor ability to cope with it."
That is a bunch of psychological hopeless talk right there if there ever was any. You note the words "ability to cope with it."tagged on at the end. You see my strength and help comes from God Who offeres SO much more than cope.
He has not taught me how to "cope" with my circumstances (which is all that psychologists can ever offer) but rather He gives me hope, which is so much better than cope, because cope does not last, it is just striving, when we could be striving.
ReplyDeleteI guess I just don't recall, ever writing any hopeless talk, any cope-talk, other than before I handed things over to God, but once they were handed to God all I ever recieve is hope.
You see it is only by His grace and strength that I have been able to move on.
Someone who is full of self-pity would not be able to say that they have hope, they would not be able to write about how God used their trials, even their sin to change them and to bring about their greater good (which is exactly what I have written about in this post "unsurrendered heart")
A person who is full of self-pity would not be able to see the good that God has brought about.
Also my quote that you tried to use up above in your first post was at first written in the past tense, meaning I used to think that way. I used to think that way, the way that I wrote.
And another thing, I wrote that it was because of MY SIN that I could not ever see me marrying, not because of anyone elses sin but because of my own, so I don't see the problem since I am not posting his sin on here, I never even mention it.
In fact to me it never happened because I have forgiven him, and forgiveness is a promise that I will never bring it up to him or anyone else including myself.
Again with God there is always hope. For that is His definition of forgiveness (a promise), the world's definition is that it is a feeling, which offers no hope but rather cope, because feelings change all the time, promises are rather a choice and are more stable.
Again I state that:
I am not self pitying myself, rather I am reveling in the wondrous grace and forgiveness of an Almighty God who just happened to stoop down and rescue me from a wreck that I created (every wreck I create). And I apologize for coming off that way.
And ultimately in the end it matters not what you think because God knows my heart, and that is all that matters because only His judgment is will be the one that actually will matter in the end.
I am going to continue writing as always, as God lays things upon my heart, I apologize if that offends you, but again you don't have to read it. You do have a choice.
I apologize if this has offended you in any way. Praying for you.
Dear Anonymous:
ReplyDeleteIt takes far more effort to think of and say the things you've just said here than it does to listen to what Bethany has written and apply them in some way to your own life. Just a thought. . .
As to your attack of the word "prodigal" you should know that Bethany writes from a very biblical perspective, and as such often uses words in the sense they are used in the bible, such as in the story of the prodigal son. True, the account could be better rendered "The Returning Son," but in Christendom it is commonly called the Prodigal Son, thus she uses the word in this sense.
As to your attack on her talking of Jesse and what you call self-pity, she has given a fairly lengthy reply, which you will probably not objectively read, so I'll try to give you another perspective in a shorter version, and hope to reach your heart.
Your definition of self-pity is correct, but this is not her reason for writing, although since these events have happened to her personally, it could easily sound like that to someone who would like to tear her down. As she said in her reply, she is attempting to give a historical account of what God has done in and through her life. God has truly been good to her, and though you have not experientially understood that, she is trying to describe what a life turned around by God looks like.
You've seen her response in letters and type; I've seen it in person. And when she was hurting by this anonymous person trying to tear her down, she didn't respond in anger, at least in her person. She loves you, and wants you to learn from anything God has allowed her to go through; THAT is her reason for writing.
Though you probably still will do otherwise, I would humbly ask that if you truly see a problem with something you see, be it here on this blog or anywhere else in life, you try to help the person lovingly; writing a scathing comment about an old boyfriend truly is not going to do very much, even though it does make you look like a jerk, albeit an anonymous one. Now the ball is in her court for the world to see how she responds to you. (or as the case may be--how she has already)