Ever find yourself making something that is totally not even about you, all about you? Or have you ever known someone like that? Where you say something totally not even remotely about them or do something and they take it the wrong way and make what was not about them, all about them. Any moment we make about ourselves is a moment where we sin, any words that we make about ourselves is a moment where we have become selfishly focused on ourselves.
And the worst thing is when one is in the position of ministry, and they begin to make it about themselves.
There I was, it was the weekend before Sr. High week at RRBC, I was at home relaxing and enjoying time with the three Js of my life: Jesus, Joshy, and Jacksie and of course my family! But I knew that the time would come where I would have to go back to the work at RRBC, back to counseling…only this time it would be very different. We knew from the git go that it was going to be a “big” week (for RRBC anyways), over 80 people had signed up and we were expecting to have a few just show up, and while we were praising the Lord for that…on the inside a fear (at least for me this was true) was creaping its way through my whole being.
I mean here I am 5’5” (or so), and I knew that many of these girls would be taller than I in height…I barely look my age…and I have a very hard time connecting with girls at this stage in their life. And on top of all that I felt SO inadequate to counsel these ladies, esp. since I had NO IDEA what I might face! Many teens in this world today come from broken homes and some terrible situations that some adults cannot even begin to fathom let alone face! I knew it was going to be an interesting week.
And as it turns out…I failed left and right that week!
I have a very difficult time with showing love in the physical touch kind of way. I show my love more by doing things for people…I love serving people and that is often the way that my love is shown forth…I really really struggle with showing love in a “huggy” kinda way. My sister however was created by God much differently!
I often wish that I had been created that same way, for she is so outgoing, she can strike up a conversation with anyone, and she also demonstrates love through touch very well. And I have always struggled in this area, and I also struggle with trying to get to know people, I struggle with trying to connect with people and get to know them since I am often more of an introvert. And thus I failed to connect with my girls that week.
It was awful and hard to suddenly realize just how inadequate I was! I totally blew that thing! And what made it worse was I made something that was not about me, all about me! Instead of looking at myself honestly and realizing “Hey I have got some things I need to work on” and then getting up and trying to do better,. I instead wallowed in my failures and made something that was not about me, all about me!
It was Thursday evening, and 3 of my eight girls were struggling that night. The message that had been delivered by God through the speaker had been powerful and convicting, and I call it the “crying night” because there were SO many girls crying! Left and right, everywhere you turn there was crying!
Now those of you who know me well, know that I struggle around crying people…I get uncomfortable and I don’t really know how to handle it (best way to handle it, is to listen and be that presence, that hug ect. For the person).
So as you can imagine I was unsure as to what to do, and I failed a lot that night!
Anyways that evening three of my girls sought “other counsel” besides me…and I sadly and selfishly and WRONGLY made that about me! Can you believe that??!!
A counselor…who is to be the example of selflessness…had gotten so wrapped up in herself and wallowing in her failures, that she added to her failures: sin!!
I cried for the first time all summer at RRBC that night…not because my camper had accepted Christ….not because I was “weeping with another who weeps”, not because of the sin in my life or in the life of another…not because of a “lost soul”, none of that…I cried because I had made that ministry ALL about me!
And the really awful thing was, I had just helped another counselor in this exact same area…and could not even take my own counsel and apply it!
Another counselor faced this very thing ( campers going to others for counsel instead of her) and I told her that night (this was the night before the “crying night” when my campers would seek counsel from another) Anyways I told her that night: “It really does not mater so much WHO gets to counsel them, but rather THAT they get counseled!”
WOW! And I could not even take my own counsel and live it out! WHAT A SELFISH HYPOCRIT if there ever was one! I admit, I was awful that “cry night”. I mean here I was a counselor…in a leadership position…making things about me that were NEVER about me, because after all it is GOD who gives the increase…and it is GOD’S work through me anyhow (for apart from Him I can do nothing).
I threw myself a pity party that night because God had not allowed me to be the one to minister! God uses whomever He pleases, because it is Him working through us (Eph. -21).
So you see, nothing (not even ministry opportunities) are ever about us or stop with us! We always have what we have (opportunities..possesions…things and especially the gospel) so that we can give to those who have of need! NOTHING ever ends with us!
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